Continue reading "Who Do You Think You Are? The Impostor Syndrome" »
Happy Healthy Super Bowl Sunday!
Let me say straight
off, I am not a football fan. It's not that I'm anti-football, just not a
follower. That is not easy to say in a town where following the local
NFL team is like a religion.
There is one day, though, when I, and many like me, transform into enthusiastic fanatics while watching unimaginably huge men butt heads. Super Bowl Sunday! It's like becoming Irish on St. Patrick's Day. You join 'em or you lose out on a lot of fun.
To make this high holy day as enjoyable as possible I'm planning to:
Drink a lot of water, the H2O type, clear and additive free. I like the taste of beer (my hostess promises some nice, local micro-brews) but I don't want to mistake drinking for enjoyment with drinking to hydrate.
Bring food that I know I can eat guilt-free. I just called my friend and she said she had plenty of desserts, thank God. I will bring the veggie tray and hummus.
Get in a decent workout before the party. Using the method Frank Bruni used to stay slim while being a food critic for the New York Times, I will sweat for thirty minutes or so, expending a few calories, so I can have myself a bit of brownie.
Spend more time talking than eating. If I can tear myself away from the hors d'oeuvres long enough to realize there are interesting people in the room to learn about and exchange funny stories with, I can distract myself pretty well.
Thoroughly enjoy the ooey-gooey stuff, too. Let's be real. A Super Bowl party is not the place to be all strict about every bite. I just want to be mindful about the goodies and not ruin the gusto by downing fist-fulls of chips without thinking.
There's always the game and those silly commercials. Lately the Super Bowl games have provided top-notch entertainment and a wonderful way to take a little break from the stress of the every day. So let's go out there and have some fun!
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For Divorced Dads: 7 Useful Links
Divorced or separated dads worry a lot about being able to be the best fathers to their kids they can under the stress of co- and single parenting. I realize we all worry plenty, divorced or not, but today I want to focus on resources for the dads who are trying to do it on their own.
Because of the change in living arrangements, not being a residential parent and having to see their kids on a schedule divorced dads might think their importance to their children has suddenly diminished. This is absolutely not so.
Research supports the fact that fathers have a vital role in the development of their childrens' self-image and self-esteem. Being present, involved, engaged and invested in the kids in a genuine way comes through and makes a huge difference even if you only see them every other weekend or less.
I hope you find these resources helpful. If you have other links or books to add to the list, please let me know in the comments!
Dad Alone: How to Rebuild Your Life and Remain an Involved Father After Divorce
Divorced Fathers: Birthdays and Holidays
Resources for Divorced Fathers
Divorced Dad's Survival Book: How to Stay Connected With Your Kids
But You Don't Look Sick! Two Points of View
An article I read on Heart Sisters, a favorite blog by heart attack survivor Carolyn Thomas, "You Look Great! And Other Things You Should Never Say to a Heart Patient" really touched a nerve.
It reminded me of when I was in graduate school and I was in the middle of a bad nephrotic syndrome relapse. I was in psychotherapy at the time. I remember complaining to my therapist that my professors expected me to keep up with my work like everyone else. In her blunt, pragmatic manner, she said, “Well, of course they do. You don’t look sick.”
Whoa. That hurt. How could she say that?
"But I AM sick," I protested.
"Yes, you are. You are missing my point."
Her point was: I wore makeup to cover up my paleness and the dark circles under my eyes. I didn’t tell anyone about my illness for fear of making them uncomfortable. Digging deeper, she helped me understand that the thought of 'using' my illness to put me in the position of asking for 'special treatment' was abhorrent to me (something to do with low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, blah blah blah) so I went in the opposite direction. She pointed out that I was basically not being honest with my professors, or my friends for that matter. After all, they couldn't read my mind.
Continue reading "But You Don't Look Sick! Two Points of View" »
What If I Run Into My Therapist in Public?
Should I hide behind the magazine rack? Duck over to the canned goods aisle? Uh oh, she already saw me! Now what? Do I say hi? Pretend I don't see her?
Whenever we see people out of a familiar setting it can be awkward. The other day I was having dinner with my husband at a restaurant when a very familiar lady walked by and stopped to say hello. I couldn't remember for the life of me where I had seen her before. My poor brain sifted through the files until finally it reported that she worked at the library where my kids and I go once a week. Whew. Embarrassment averted.
Occasionally I run into old or current patients in public resulting in another kind of challenge. Do I say hello or not?
In my Dad's day there would be no question. Psychoanalytic thinking was very clear back then. Both patient and therapist should pretend they don't see one another, even if it's obvious to both that they have.
There are reasons many therapists still feel that way. One is that it could be seen as inappropriate, even harmful, to acknowledge the working realtionship outside of the 'therapeutic frame' meaning the clear boundaries of the time and day of the session and the four walls of the office.
Plus there are the issues of confidentiality. Saying hi to my patient in public might put them in the uncomfortable position of explaining who I am and why they know me.
While these are good reasons to take such unexpected encounters seriously, I don't believe we need to be all rigid about it.
Salman Akhtar, MD, renowned psychoanalyst and author, says that if a therapist runs into his patient outside of the office and the patient says hello, of course the therapist says hello back! That's just common courtesy and it can be done in a therapeutic, professional manner.
Here are a few guidelines to help public encounters between patient and therapist feel as safe and comfortable as possible:
Continue reading "What If I Run Into My Therapist in Public?" »
9 Qualities to Look For In a Good Therapist
Last June Therese Borchard interviewed Dr. John Grohol, founder of PsychCentral, on How Do You Find A Good Therapist. Dr. Grohol said:
"I think finding a good therapist to work with is a challenging prospect... Why is it so difficult to find a good therapist? Because the qualities that might be ideal for one person may not work as well for another. A therapist is more than a plumber for your mind; you can’t just pick one at random from the Yellow Pages. Well, you can, but you may not find the right one using that method.
...No matter what qualities I may suggest a person look for in a good therapist, ideally a person should look at finding a new therapist as a test drive, a completely temporary arrangement that may or may not work out. Most people try going to a single therapist, find it incompatible with their needs, and never return for a second session (much less try again with a second therapist). The key is to find a therapist that seems to complement your needs and your personality."
Having said that, we both agree that there are some fundamental qualities to look for while you are test driving a new therapist. Dr. Grohol said a good therapist:
1) is positive and empathetic.
2) is professional, courteous, and respectful.
3) recognizes his/her strengths and limitations.
4) is genuine.
I would add that a good therapist...
5) is not defensive. If a patient needs something the therapist can't give him like expertise in an area he does not have deep training in; if the patient asks for a second opinion or says something critical about the therapist or her work, as hard as it might be, it is not therapeutic and certainly isn't professional for the therapist to get defensive.
Continue reading "9 Qualities to Look For In a Good Therapist" »
Life Candy: Jeff & Erin's Epic Wedding Trailer!
If you haven't seen this 'Save the Date' Video give yourself a treat and click below. As the Huffington Post says, It's so well done that you can't help but love this pair and wish them a lifetime of happiness. Enjoy!
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Rob, thank you for this comment and for the idea for this post.
Feeling of like a fraud can hit the best of us. Therapists are not immune, at least not this therapist. On and off throughout my life I have wrestled with that feeling Rob describes, the "If only they knew I'm not that person they think I am," feeling.
You won't find Impostor or Fraud Syndrome in the DSM-IV. It is not a diagnosable mental illness. It is, however, a collection of feelings or symptoms that together may serve to hold you back from fulfilling our potential.
Take this Impostor Syndrome Quiz*
Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you're not as bright and capable as they think you are?
Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?
Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a "fluke," “no big deal” or the fact that people just "like" you?
Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?
Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your "ineptness?"
When you do succeed, do you think, "Phew, I fooled 'em this time but I may not be so lucky next time."
Do you believe that other people (students, colleagues, competitors) are smarter and more capable than you are?
Do you live in fear of being found out, discovered, unmasked?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, you are not alone. In fact, many very intelligent, successful, accomplished people feel exactly the same.
Personally, the Impostor Phenomenon has gotten in the way of my development, especially regarding my career as a writer. It slowed me down because as soon as I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, a little voice inside my head said, "Who do you think you are, you're not the Almighty you know," and I'd pull back.
Where did it that voice come from? Before I answer, I want you to know, I'm not about blaming the parents. I believe we need to take responsibility for ourselves in order to change. For some of us, though, there is no denying that our possibly well-meaning parents did a number on us. Without realizing it, my Dad expected perfection from his kids. He built me up with praise with one hand and kept me in my place with the other. That left my self-esteem feeling confused and diminished.