Which is it?
Not that it really matters. The result is the same. Self-sabotage.
This morning I asked myself, what is going on? What is this heavy wet blanket weighing me down? I haven't felt like writing in a while and usually I can't wait to be alone with my laptop. My mood has been yucky. Annie, my mare, who almost always cheers me up, hasn't had a visit from me in weeks. It's like I'm avoiding her. I haven't lost weight but I haven't gained either so why do I feel like a fat pig?
Can I blame the weather? Sure, why not! If it snows any more I think I'll scream.
No. Too easy and not constructive.
Here's the thing. My life is going great. I have work that I love. I could be busier but I'm maintaining. My family is thriving...
In fact, lately the traffic on this blog and my website has increased dramatically and that's good right?
So when I asked myself, why do I feel like my feet are set in cement? A tiny little voice replied: "You're afraid of success."
Oh my God, that's it. Whenever I get close to achieving my goals for success I choke. It's a sick way of acting out low self-esteem. It's saying "I'm not worthy of this good fortune so I need to make it stop!" Twisted, stinkin' thinkin'.
Enough! No more meek, cowardly, hiding from the lime light. No more running away from the attention. Why do we have goals if not to enjoy them when they are reached? I'm a big girl, I can take it.
Now I feel better, more myself, thank God. And that's another thing. Skulking away from success is like throwing a gift from God back in her face, isn't it? So today I say thank you, thank you dear God, for allowing me to reach out and share what I know in hopes of supporting others in their journey. I won't let us down.