This article was originally published last December, my first post as a guest contributor on PsychCentral. It has continued relevance for any of us who are working hard to build a strong self-esteem by turning up the volume on our authentic inner voice.
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“We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal [to be] that which others have made of us." ~Jean-Paul Sartre
While I’m happy that the election turned out the way it did, I worry
about all that’s expected of our new president. Headlines report
Obama is expected to solve the health care debacle, save the American
car industry, right the mortgage problem, make science and education a
priority again, keep the globe from warming, cure race relations…
There’s more but you get my point.
A lot of these expectations Obama set upon himself. He won by being
the adult in the room, the go-to guy; he wanted the job and we expect
he can handle it.
But it got me thinking about the rest of us. When is the pressure of
expectations a good thing? When is it bad? How do you tell the
difference? And what do you do about it if it’s bad?
My parents expected my siblings and I to be happy (sounds good) and
to be physicians (not so good). My father, a medical doctor for whom
medicine was a calling, just didn’t get that we might not share his
passion. We got these mixed messages throughout our childhood: “You can
be anything you want as long as you study hard and become a Doctor.”
I’m getting a headache just remembering.
Now I’m not about blaming the parents. We have to take
responsibility for ourselves at some point. But a boatload of
depression and anxiety can result while we figure it out.
After trying and hating pre-med in college I floated. I didn’t even
realize I was depressed until my dad suggested I go into therapy. With
the help of a terrific psychologist I realized I was trying so hard to
please my parents I had lost myself. Happy ending, yes? Uh, no.
The trouble with parental expectations is that they begin so early
in our development they become hard-wired into the brain. Those voices
we have in our head? Usually it’s a mix of our voice and a crowd of
well-intentioned relatives shouting,
"Eat more, children are starving in India!"
"You are such an idiot! Can't you do anything right?"
"Don't take any risks. It's a dangerous world out there!"
We carry these voices around with us even after the original source is long dead. So as much as I had insight into my ‘parent pleasing’ ways, finding and using my true voice was another matter.
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