Explore What's Next

10 Ways To Tell Problem Drinking From Alcoholism

 It's New Year's Eve and many people are making resolutions. For a lot of us our resolutions are all about becoming healthier: exercising more, eating better and once and for all giving up smoking or drinking too much.

Yesterday's post defined what tips a social drinker over into the realm of problem drinking.

...the line between social drinking and problem drinking can be very thin.

The line between problem drinking and alcoholism is thinner still.

As you've probably heard before, no one starts out drinking or smoking to become addicted. We all have this incredible ability to deny the reality: That it can happen to us.

Alcohol abuse, or problem drinking, is basically unhealthy or dangerous drinking, such as drinking every day or drinking too much at a time. Problem drinking can destroy your relationships, cause you to miss work, risk getting fired and lead to legal problems like getting pulled over by the cops for a DUI. When you abuse alcohol, you continue to drink even though you know it's causing problems.

If you continue to abuse alcohol, it can, and very likely will, lead to alcohol dependence. Alcohol dependence is alcoholism. You are physically and/or mentally addicted to the alcohol. Your body needs it to function. You experience this by having a strong need to drink. You feel like you must drink just to get by.

According to the experts, you are dependent on alcohol if you have three or more of the following problems:

20 Ways to Tell Problem Drinking From Social Drinking

Wine and spirits are among the finest gifts God gave to humankind. When we can enjoy them in moderation it's a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, the line between social drinking and problem drinking can be very thin. The line between problem drinking and alcoholism is thinner still. People who abuse alcohol know this, so they deny, deny, deny there is a problem with their drinking.

Here's a hint to anyone who secretly thinks they might have a problem with alcohol: If you're thinking it, it's a problem. If someone, anyone has shown you concern about your drinking, IT'S A PROBLEM!

We have a serious social issue in this country which is: if you want to be social, drinking is usually involved and too often it gets out of hand. I hear this from college students, young professionals, seasoned businessmen, even stay at home moms! If everyone around you has a drinking problem does that mean you have less of one? This is not to pronounce judgment. It's just a reality check.

There was a time when I was in college, I couldn't go to sleep without a drink. I had a stash of cheap wine in my one room walk-up. One night the bottle was empty, I'd forgotten to get more, and I freaked out. First I freaked out that I didn't have any wine and it was too late to get any. Then I freaked out that I was freaking out. It was the first time (not the last) that I realized I had it in me to become an addict.

The Mayo Clinic says:

People who abuse alcohol may experience many of the same signs and symptoms as people who are dependent on alcohol. However, alcohol abusers don't feel the same compulsion to drink and usually don't experience physical withdrawal symptoms when they don't drink.

Your drinking is a problem if...

The Risk of Living Life With Passion

The New York Times Sunday edition has a column, Modern Love, where people write about all the different forms Love takes and how it has effected them personally.

Last Sunday's piece was "When My Mother Called Out the Posse."  I saw the image with the horse portraits and thought, "Goodie! Something about love of horses," grabbed a cup of tea and settled on the sofa for a pleasant read. 

Brandon Lawniczak is a lawyer in Chicago. While raised on horses, he's not a horse person himself. He wrote:

The previous year my parents had moved from rural Michigan to Ocala, Fla., rolling land dotted with thoroughbred farms and strip malls...

Their 12-stall barn was attached to a one bedroom living quarters. On the property in Michigan where I'd grown up, the horse barn had been 600 feet away. Now the barn and house were under one roof – my mother's utopia.

Haven't we all dreamed of such a set up? Whether it's practical or not, anyone with a passion wants to live above the shop. I know quite a few therapists who have their offices in their homes. It works for them and I can understand the attraction. Because I'm way too distractable I couldn't do it. Every noise or scent would set off a chain reaction of thought neutrons, "Did the kid's come home from school? Did anyone feed the dog? What's he barking at anyway? Does my patient smell what we had for dinner last night?" Forget it. My husband, on the other hand, always imagined having an apartment over his lab, and I hope some day that's possible. I don't see him living over a barn, though.

Mr. Lawniczak goes on telling the story of his mother's love for horses and how she reacted when two of them were stolen from her barn. Eventually they were found and all was well. A happy ending, I thought, until the next paragraph:

A Boxing Day Video Gift

Even though it's not a tradition I grew up with, I love Boxing Day. Living at Canada's doorstep has made me aware of this post-Christmas holiday of British origin. Like most good ideas, I have adopted it in my own way.

A reader, Ty, from PsychCentral provided the link to this video. Thank you, Ty! Here's what she wrote:

Here’s an 8 Minute Holiday Treat! One of my new favorite Christmas movies, “The Gift Wrapper”, I saw in a film festival this year and it was just posted on youtube for the holidays!

Apparently they are only screening it for the holidays and then it goes back into the vaults till next year.

Enjoy!!

12 Holiday Links For Christmas

My little Christmas gift to you is a bouquet of links that you may find helpful, touching or just plain enjoy.  Happy Holidays to Everyone!

6 Ways to Manage Anxiety: Holiday Stress Tips

10 Things I Don't Want for Christmas

When Spending the Holiday with Family is Like Walking Into a Minefield

Random Acts of Christmas Cheer

Ten Suggestions to Make the Holidays Bearable

Humor! The Secret to Handling Holiday Stress

100 Ways to a Stress Free Christmas

It's a Wonderful Life? Really?

Northpole.com

Top Ten Christmas Quotes

Yes, People with Depression There is a Santa Clause

The Christmas Truce – 1914

Photo courtesy of Singer via Flickr

Holiday Loneliness: One Man's Story

I just read this piece by Walter Kirn, (who wrote the novel "Up in the Air," now a George Clooney movie) on his pre-Christmas "balsam scented loneliness"  and had to pass it on. Last year Mr. Kirn was divorced, his kids were with their mother and his brothers and sisters were far away.

This is what he wrote:

...before I reveal what happened next, I’d like to touch on a study that came out recently concerning the contagiousness of loneliness. An article in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology presented the argument that feelings of sadness and isolation can spread from the folks who are feeling them not only to their friends but also to their friends’ friends. And while these findings seem odd at first (aren’t the lonesome lonely because they lack friends?), the University of Chicago psychologist who is behind them says that they make sense.

“Let’s say for whatever reason — the loss of a spouse, a divorce — you get lonely,” the study’s principal author, John T. Cacioppo, told The Washington Post. “You then interact with people in a more negative fashion. That puts them in a negative mood and makes them more likely to interact with other people in a negative fashion, and they minimize their social ties and become lonely.”

Call this, if you will, the Viral Bummer Theory.

Which is why starting before Thanksgiving I talk with my patients about what their plans are for the holidays and how they are coping. For many it's a no brainer. They are looking forward to the usual family gathering and it's all good.

10 Ways to Bring Christmas Cheer to Your Loved One In the Hospital for the Holidays

Disease and trauma do not take a holiday. Many of us have loved ones in the hospital for all kinds of reasons. We want to do what we can for our children, brothers, sisters, friends, who find themselves in strange surroundings during this supposedly most  joyous of times.

Fifteen years ago, a few weeks before Christmas, I was suddenly admitted to Women and Children's Hospital.

I was five months pregnant with my daughter and I was very sick. With my history of kidney disease and scleroderma, I chose a maternal-fetus specialist to be my OB-GYN. Trained in situations like mine, where the mother has chronic illness which makes the pregnancy high risk, I had every faith in Dr. Margaret McDonnell. My first pregnancy had gone off without so much as a cold. This time Margaret said,

"You have to be ready for this baby to come early."

What was she saying? "Margaret, you're scaring me."

"We'll keep you in the hospital. The longer the baby stays in you the better."

The doctors didn't know what was causing the problem. It could be my kidneys shutting down or preeclampsia, a condition that is dangerous if not treated. If caught in time it clears up once the baby is born. 

All we could do was wait and hope our baby would just settle down and stay put.

I was ordered to complete bed rest. After over two weeks of not being allowed to get up even to pee, I was scared, depressed and a little crazy. My two year old son wasn't allowed on the floor. I missed him with a pain I can't describe. And it was Christmas time.

Friends and family helped my husband and I keep it together. My daughter was born a few days after Christmas. She was one pound thirteen ounces and was able to breathe on her own. The doctors assured us she was strong.

Two days later my symptoms cleared up and I was discharged. My daughter came home three months later.

Hospitals and the medical staff are sensitive to the holidays but they have jobs to do and shouldn't be expected to provide holiday cheer. Family and friends can make a huge difference, however, so I collected ten suggestions for those of you who may have a loved one in the hospital this season:

Gina Carroll: What to Do When Someone Threatens Suicide Online

Gina Carroll introduced herself to me last fall when she asked if she could quote from my article on parents being their kids' 'friends' on Facebook. A contributing writer for BlogHer, author of two parenting blogs, Tortured by Teenagers and Think Act: Proactive Black Parenting, an attorney and facilitator, mother of five...honestly I don't know how she does it! I admire her very much, not least because she focused her considerable intelligence and compassion on a very difficult subject: Online suicide threats.

I was honored when she asked to interview me for the article. Here is an excerpt:

Many of us who encounter someone's words of desperation or harmful intent in a blog or forum are extremely disturbed and alarmed. We want to help or intervene, but we don't know if we should act; if the expression is real; and if so, what to do. Suicidal expressions online are unique in that the person in pain is likely a stranger. We might not know an identity or where he or she lives. We don't know if they are sincere, just blowing off steam, or pulling off a carefully orchestrated art experiment.

Dr. Elvira Aletta, practicing clinical psychologist, mother of two teens and blogger at ExploreWhatsNext.com, says that fundamentally these details don't matter. We should assume the person expressing suicidal intentions is serious. We should act swiftly and with the goal of connecting him or her with professional help. The following is an excerpt from my interview with Dr. Aletta about online crisis and what to do when you encounter it...

Read the entire article: Encountering Crisis Online: What to Do When Someone Threatens Suicide

The Simple Joy of A Kids' Holiday Concert

Around the world millions of parents are engaged in the same activity – attending their children's holiday school event. Last week we attended the South High School Winter Spectacular! My son plays the guitar in the jazz band and my daughter the viola in the orchestra.

Every year we go to these events expecting to be a little bored, a little inconvenienced, hoping not to fall asleep. Coming at the end of a work day as they tend to do, we rush through dinner to make it on time and get a decent parking space.

Then the auditorium darkens, the stage lights go up and the music begins. Any lingering annoyance suddenly vanishes. In its place is pride, happiness, and a nostalgic kind of joy.  Our eyes sting a little, our hearts ache a little. Remember when she was five and played a cow in the nativity play? Or when he was an elf in Santa's Chorus? When was that the second grade?

Now they're in high school. All these children, now young adults, and still they have no idea how beautiful they all are. 

This year's show was exceptional. Do we say that every year? I am grateful to the work put in by the teachers, too. They seemed to enjoy the performance as much as the kids, conducting and directing with all the gusto of Broadway impresarios.

Movies like The Bells of St. Mary's, as well as that old tearjerker, Penny Serenade, and a personal favorite, Love Actually, all captured some of this bittersweet, universal experience. I hope you enjoy your school holiday pageant as much as we did ours.

Mom Did Not Teach Me How to Brag

My editor wanted to know why I haven't been posting as frequently as I usually do.

"The practice has been really busy. It's a good thing!"

"Fine. Then write about it."

Editors. Can't live with them, can't throw them under a bus.

The truth is:

1) I was trained from infancy not to brag.

2) Any positive talk about myself was bragging.

You see the problem? Even five years of therapy has not made tooting my own horn comfortable. It took a crow bar to get me to stand still for a compliment! Now I'm told I need to get over the next hurdle to be honest with people about my life. ARG! I feel like the bungee jumper looking down at the water far below.

Here goes!

To explain how my private practice has evolved I have to go into how my husband and I made some major life decisions, what we decided to do and how we did it.

About three years ago my husband, a brilliant neuroscientist, had a twinkle in his eye. He wanted to create an innovative biotech company built on intellectual property he invented. His plan made sense but it would require sacrifices. He dove full-time into the development of the company and I took on the major responsibility for keeping the household accounts from freezing.

To do this I had a choice. Stay on insurance panels, say goodbye to my kids and work more hours to make ends meet OR get off the panels, go totally fee-for-service and add a few more hours, but not nearly as many. My husband and I decided that getting off the panels made the most sense for our family. Basically, I liked the idea of working smarter instead of harder.

It was a huge gamble. This was before the recession, so it didn't feel as huge a gamble as it turned out to be later. Ignorance truly is bliss.