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7 Ways to Get In Touch With Your Inner Bitch

I don’t know about you, but for the longest time, I was afraid of my inner bitch.

In the old suppressed, sexist tradition of 'you’re either a whore or a saint', girls are too often taught that we are either 'nice' or 'bitches' and never the twain shall meet. (Guys might struggle with this too although I think boys have a slight advantage because generally  they are allowed to be angry, whereas girls – not so much.)

Given all this, it is not surprising that when I was growing up I felt it necessary to suppress any snarkiness. It was hard when what I really wanted to do was say something catty or roll my eyes or even admit out loud that I was so much hotter than Lisa, my high school nemesis. Good girls just didn't do that!

Was I evil because sometimes the shrew just had to make an appearance?  It was confusing back then when anything that come out of my mouth with a sharp edge was taken as anger and nice girls just didn't get angry. They cried. If I had a nickel for every time my brothers called me a bitch, I’d have a nice plump mutual fund. And, as you probably know, being called a bitch, when all you want to be is a nice girl, is like being slapped in the face. Naturally, I tried to avoid it.

What’s a nice girl to do? I don't recommend being hard on yourself (like I was), especially if, at heart, you know you are a truly nice person.

Think if it this way:

1.  Don’t be afraid of your bitchiness. Contrary to what your mother told you, you can be nice with sass. The bitch will not take over.

2.  If you’re feeling snarky think of it as comic relief or the spice that makes a ‘nice’ girl interesting. Our inner bitch is usually edgy and funny if you give her a chance.

3.  You don’t have to say it out loud. Give yourself permission to be as bitchy as you want to yourself. As long as no one's being hurt, mumbling or rolling your eyes out of anyone's view is OK. "Did you just say Maureen is a whore?" [Did I say that out loud?] "OH NO! I just said she's such a bore!" Or...

4.  Confide your not nice comments to a trusted confidant who gets it. Just be really, really careful about email or texts. You never know where they will go next.

5.  Only you should be allowed to call yourself a bitch in a serious manner. If anyone else says that you are being "a bitch" without a trace of humor, or badly disguised as teasing, think about it. Is it possible they are uncomfortable for another reason? Does your anger make them squirm? Is keeping you "nice" a way of exerting control over you? There is power in expressing righteous anger, could they be afraid of yours?

6. Choose a partner who appreciates all sides of you, including your inner bitch. Early in our marriage my husband observed that I had just cleaned the dishes. He said, "Good girl!"  I snarled back, "What am I, Lassie?" He burst out laughing, and I smiled back because I knew I had a chosen well.

7.  Most important: Trust yourself to keep healthy limits on your inner bitch. You will not go overboard.

So let the bitch out. Set her free! Feel the power and enjoy! Believe me, it will be a relief to finally let her go and be your own good – and nice – self.

Originally published October 2009 by Dr. Aletta as  5 Ways to Get In Touch with Your Inner Bitch

Ten More Rules for Living with Chronic Illness

Last month Deb, who lives with neurocardiogenic syncope, wrote to me:

I just read your interview on beliefnet.com, "5 Rules for Living with Chronic Illness & Depression."  Your advice was right on point - I wish I had had it eight years ago!

...Anyway, you said you wanted to offer your readers guidance to living with chronic illness.  I've come up with a couple of "rules" that help me stay on track - you probably already know them, but I'll offer them anyway:

1. Try to get up at the same time every day.  It's not always possible.  Heck, it's not always possible to get out of bed!  But try.
2. Shower, get dressed (sweatpants aren't allowed), brush your teeth and put on a little make-up.  The simple act of trying to LOOK human often almost makes me FEEL human.
3. Don't play too many computer games.  It's tempting to spend hours on the computer because there's not a lot else going on.  But I've found that my sleep rhythms get messed up from too much computer time - and my sleep rhythms are ALREADY a problem!
4. If you can, take 15 minutes and straighten up your house.  I know that some days it's just not going to happen, but somehow I always feel physically better if the clutter is gone.
5. If possible, get a pet. My dog and my cats always know when I don't feel good and will come and sit with me and give me comfort.
6. Accept help.  Probably one of the hardest things for people to do is accept help.  Needing help is not a weakness.  Not being able to accept help is.
7. Listen to the people around you.  My family and friends almost always know I'm going to have a spell even before I do.  Don't be stubborn.  Pay attention to them.
8. Understand that chronic discomfort makes people cranky - it's a fact and you can't do much about it. What you can do is try to recognize when you've jumped the shark, apologize profusely, and then start over.
9. Cut yourself some slack.  Nobody can do it all - even if they're 100% healthy.
10. Try to live and give each day for God.  I've always tried to do that and when I had to slow down I felt I was letting God down because I just wasn't "doing!"  What I understand now is that I'm still "doing" just in a different way - I listen a lot more.  I'm more empathetic.  I'm always here for my friends and family because, well, I'm always HERE.

Deb's rules are right on! I love every single one of them. Do you have any rules of your own that help you live a full life despite illness? Please share them with us in the comments below!