Explore What's Next

6 Things I Know About Grief

A few months ago my friend Bruce Barber asked me to write a response to the question "How do you cope with the loss of a love one?" for his website, Real Life Survival Guide. Here is what I wrote:

My first real life up close experience with grief was when my dearest friend and her brother were killed in a car accident. We were just twenty-three years old and had known each other since kindergarten. Her death, and the death of her brother, had a profound impact on how I came to view life and life's loss. Nine years ago my mother died of pancreatic cancer and two years later, my father quietly died in his sleep. While each death is unique and tells its own story, the process of grief followed the same path.

Here's what I know about grief.

1) Grief is natural, even though it doesn't feel like it.

2) Grief is not depression, even though it puts you in the deepest sadness.

3) Grief cannot be hurried, even if others say it is time to 'move on'.

4) Grief is not linear; sometimes it feels like a quiet, cloudy day, the next a battering hurricane and back again.

5) Grief is sneaky, be prepared to be surprised by it.

6) Grief is necessary; even though it is our instinct to avoid pain, allow it.

In my practice I've seen people who have suffered horrible loss – a child, a spouse. They come because they are having trouble 'getting over it'. There are rare cases when grief does get stuck and morphs into major depression or dysthymia. Years after the death of a loved one, carrying on healthy relationships with the living, work or caring for their family is too great a burden. People who find themselves in this kind of situation do need professional help and I am glad they come to me.

But in many cases, the bereaved just needs time and the assurance that their pain is natural. There is a reason most cultures set aside an entire year for mourning. In a year we experience all those 'firsts'. The first Mother's Day without my mother was brutal. My first birthday. After a year, it still hurt. But each subsequent year hurts less and less until they are dull echos of the first.

A Conversation About Lawyers with Depression

If you are in the Western New York neighborhood tonight, I encourage you to attend A Conversation About Depression hosted by attorney Dan Lukasik. Dan is a fellow traveler.  He has experienced the dark hole of major depression himself, and has made it a personal mission to inform other professionals, especially lawyers and judges, about diagnosis, treatment and living with depression. His website and blog, lawyerswithdepression.com is full of helpful information presented in an attractive, readable format.

Professionals of all stripes, doctors, lawyers and Indian chiefs, often have trouble,

1) admitting they have a problem and

2) reaching out for help.

Professionals are trained to think for ourselves and to take pride in being self-sufficient. Heck, we define ourselves by that old attitude:

"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!"

"Stiff upper lip,"

"When the going gets tough, the tough do anything but stop and consider therapy!"

It could be that people who enter the professions self-select for stubbornness. It could be what we learn self-sacrifice in our training. It could be that society, which expects a great deal from us in terms of role modeling, puts pressure on its professionals to keep fighting even when they are down for the count.

Dan Lukasik knows about this from the inside out and wants to help other professionals, lawyers in particular, to not wait, to get the help they need to climb out of depression. Here is how his article, One Attorney's Depression Story, which appeared in Trial, a journal for the American Association for Justice, is introduced:

Editors’ note: In a seminal study published in 1990, researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that lawyers were 3.6 times mo re likely to suffer from depression than members of any other of 104 professions studied. Since then, smaller studies and data from bar association lawyer-assistance programs continue to confirm that many attorneys are plagued by this soul-sapping and sometimes life-threatening disease. Other research has shown that suicide is a leading cause of premature death among lawyers. Here, a plaintiff attorney who has confronted his illness shares the story of his ongoing struggle for mental health, and his law partner tells how their firm helps him cope while maintaining a successful litigation practice.

Dan Lukasik's talk tonight, Monday, September 27th, is at 7PM at the Wick Center at Daemen College, 4380 Main Street in Amherst.

If you are a professional who requires the utmost confidentiality and you wish to explore options for treatment of depression or anxiety, please call me at 716.308.6683. You can learn more about me and how I work at explorewhatsnext.com.

Explore What's Next Blog Among Top 100 Blogs for Depression!

When the Nursing Schools blog informed me that the Explore What's Next Blog was on their top 100 list for blogs on depression, I was thrilled... And then I wanted to know what number? Yes, I am petty like that.

I don't know that it matters, the person who runs the site doesn't say. Are they rated or are the blogs listed randomly? EWN is number 76 which is wonderful! I mean, #76 in the world! Not bad! EWN is in good company, with the likes of Beyond Blue and the Happiness Project. I look forward to checking out many of EWN's fellow listees that I am not yet familiar with.

Nursingschools.net is a website that helps people interested in a nursing career to navigate all the possible career paths in nursing and how to get there. Their mission is to inform future nurses of many health related topics and they do it well. Here's what they say about depression:

"About 9.5% of Americans each year suffer from a mood disorder of some type, and 18.1% must face down some type of clinical anxiety. Depression in its myriad twisted forms is the leading cause of disability between the ages of 15 and 44, sometimes co-existing with bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, substance abuse, self-mutilation, suicidal thoughts or actions and many other serious conditions. Unfortunately, society's entirely unfair stigmatization of the mentally and emotionally unbalanced leads sufferers to feel even more isolated — even leading some to dangerously avoid seeking treatment altogether. However, more and more people are bravely emerging from the wrongfully-imposed shadows to open up to the world about the challenges they must conquer on a daily basis. Nobody suffers alone, no matter how marginalizing the general public forces upon them."

Click here for the entire list!

Overwhelmed? Stop & Take Your Mood Temperature

When we get overwhelmed we tend to see things in black and white. Depressed, sad, angry, anxious, take your pick of mood, when the going gets tough, it can feel like a heavy wet blanket of yuck. We feel helpless to do anything about it, it is too consuming, a blinding fog, and feeling hopeless isn't too far behind.

Instead of giving into the dark feeling, stop and take a closer look. Take your mood temperature.

Using a 0-10 scale, assign the extremes first because they are easiest. Think of an old-fashioned thermometer: 0 is totally relaxed, happy, content, free of strife, however you want to describe bliss, that's 0. The temperature rises as the stress level and the negative mood rises so 10 is the extreme version of whatever your particular bugaboo is: panic, out of control rage or depression so oppressive you are thinking self-destructive thoughts.

Five might be having moderate stress to deal with but feeling like you have it in control, in balance. Now describe the numbers in between 0-5 and 5-10. Under 5 you may experience increasing stress but still maintain a sense of control. On my scale for anxiety, even up to 6, I feel like I still have enough of a grip that I can easily apply coping techniques to get the temp down.

Seven and above is when the negative mood may be getting out of control and intervention is called for, like taking a mental time-out, conscientiously addressing negative thoughts with more reasonable thoughts, calling a friend for support, or your therapist, if your temperature is rapidly heading for higher numbers.

The idea behind the mood thermometer, developed originally by child psychologists to help children learn how to describe what they were feeling, is to become more sensitive to the nuances of mood. In other words, we can be more effective in dealing with our mood if we can see the different degrees of color in between the black and white. If I only see 10, I am overwhelmed. Also, it is easier to do things to keep from boiling over if you catch the bad mood before it gets too hot. If I stop and note that my mood is more like an eight, or a 7, I can do something about that. Improving my mood suddenly seems attainable.

There's No Place Like Home, Over the Rainbow

'Over the Rainbow' was on the childhood soundtrack for me, a Kansas girl. It was a favorite of my mother's, who adored Judy Garland. I sang it at many family events, the last time at my father's memorial service. Everyone in attendance sang along.

When I was a kid, once a year, my family gathered around the one television in the house to watch the 'Wizard of Oz.' That was a big event back then before movies on demand or DVDs. By the time Dorothy said, "There's no place like home!" everyone in the place blinked, pretended they weren't sniffing away tears. 

I love this fresh new rendition of a lovely, iconic, old song done by the cast of Glee. Enjoy!

 

 

 

10 Challenges for Parents With Chronic Illness

In the Parents Magazine article, "Mommy Isn't Feeling Well Today," Sarah Mahoney interviews many experts: professionals, parents who have chronic illness and sometimes, as in my case, people who are both. The article is impressive in how it covers many of the challenges parents face every day rearing their kids while their health is seriously compromised.

Below I summarize the article's most salient points and add my comments:

1)  "Handling chronic illness is about learning to live in balance," said Rosalind Doran, Psy.D. 

Many of us learn the hard way that if we don't pay attention to what and how much we do in all spheres of our lives we can quickly over-do. The result is the same as when the tires on our car are out of balance. We're in for a very bumpy ride.

2) "You can't dwell on questions like. 'Why is this happening to me?' or 'What if it gets worse?' It's important to focus on feeling well and to maintain a positive outlook."

Yes, this is more easily said then done but this is an important point and one I've made before. If you have a chronic illness, and I do, there is a danger that we will over-identify with being a sick person. We are not our illness and it really does matter that we make the effort to see the cup half full.

3)  The first hurdle is revising expectations of family life. "Of course, you can still be a loving parent, but some adjustments will have to be made. Your family will not look the way you imagined it would. That's a loss, and it hurts a lot."

In order to move on, down a new path, we need to let go of what may have happened if we had gone down another. If we hold on to, "What would my life have been like if I wasn't sick?" we deny ourselves the opportunity to create a real and satisfying present.

4)  A chronic illness may change your plans about having more children.

That may mean imagining a life with fewer kids, considering adoption or even remaining childless. I had to accept the very real possibility that I would not be able to have kids. As anyone who has been through such an agonizing reality, there is a mourning process, a grieving that takes place. For many women there is also a feeling of guilt (could I have done something to avoid this?) that must be let go.

The Williamsville Health Fair & the Myth Buster Quiz!

It's the weekend! Let's have some fun!

If you are in the neighborhood head down to the Williamsville Health Fair. We are celebrating holistic health which of course includes our emotional, spiritual and mental well being. There will be thirty plus vendors at the Fair, giving away stuff like head and neck massages. Pick up a Health Report Card and get a free fitness evaluation on the spot. You do not want to miss this!

The Explore What's Next booth is in the big Common Room upstairs. Come by for some calming tea, browse through our favorite self-help books and enter our gift card raffle!  $100 worth of gift cards for Tim Horton's, Wegmans, iTunes and more!

In the spirit of fun, while simultaneously shattering some mental health misinformation, we developed the Mental Health Myth Buster Quiz. Come by and fill out the quiz, enter the raffle, hang out with us and have some tea and chocolate!

We look forward to seeing you there!

The Allegory of Dumbo's Feather

Remember Dumbo? It was an animated film by the Walt Disney Studios released in 1941. There's some pretty uncomfortable politically incorrect characterizations in it, which may be one reason it's not a popular DVD redux feature.

But that's not my point today. In the spirit of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, let me tell you the heart of the Dumbo story. I think it has a significant take-home message that we could all use.

It's typical Disney: A cuter than cute infant elephant is born to a circus performing Mom. Mom adores her baby despite his fatal flaw – really ugly, gi-huge-ic ears.

Mom dies (tear jerker!) leaving the baby an orphan with no means of support. He is forced to become a clown elephant, poor little guy. A helpful circus mouse (Disney, remember?) points out that if he opened up his giant ears he could fly and thus become a big star. Dumbo, being no dummy, disagrees, until the mouse says he's got a magic feather. If Dumbo would just hold the magic feather in his trunk, open up his wings and jump off the high-dive platform, he would fly.

Desperate to get away from the creepy clowns, Dumbo gives the magic feather a go. He takes a leap of faith.

His big ears hold the air and off he goes flying all over the Big Top, strafing the clowns with popcorn! Dumbo becomes a big star!

Weeks, months go by. Convinced that the magic feather is what keeps him afloat, Dumbo continues to fly. One fine day, flying along at cruising altitude, a strong wind whisks the feather out of his trunk. Horrified, Dumbo drops like a stone. The mouse, hitching a ride in his hat, screams at Dumbo that the feather was a trick, a ruse, a lie! He could fly without the feather!

Could this be true? At the last possible moment, just before he and the mouse would go splat all over the sidewalk, Dumbo opens up his giant ears and soars!

The End

Recently I shared this story with a few clients. They were talking about people, places or things they felt they needed in their lives to function. Without these people, places or things, my clients were convinced they were incompetent, incomplete wrecks. Their Dumbo feather could be a person close to them, a relative, friend, or spouse. The relationship began as friendly and somehow evolved to dependent. The Dumbo feather could be a job that keeps them down or a house with so much sentimental baggage they can't let it go.

What would happen if we let go of our Dumbo feather? That's not to say we need to end the relationship, although in some cases that might be the best thing. Usually it just means daring to make a decision without consulting with so-and-so first or beginning a job search, even exploring starting your own business, while holding onto the one that is needed to pay the bills. Daring to imagine a successful life without clinging to our feather could be one of the bravest things we ever do.

Without our feather we can still fly!

Horses Help Heal Our Wounded Warriors

Thanks to Mac, my friend on Facebook, I learned about this wonderful program that uses Equine Assisted Therapy to help veterans with PTSD.

Suze Maze, a licensed clinical social worker, offers this program for soldiers stationed at Fort Gordon, Georgia in the Warriors in Transition Program. 

"I've always wanted to come back and work with the military...Equine Rescue of Aiken [South Carolina] is a perfect match. We have horses who need healing and we have soldiers and people who need healing."

She goes on to describe the special power horses have...

"...they all have their own style of therapy that they like to work with. One horse likes to work with people who have Attention Deficit Disorder, another works with those who have mental challenges; [the horses] migrate toward them. I worked with civilians in Kentucky. We have a conscious mind, things that we're aware of, and we have [the] sub-conscious and unconscious. The horses seem to be able to get at that innate sub-conscious...things the person being treated may not recognize. It makes people think outside the box to come up with their own solutions."

Suze Maze has what it takes to be a qualified equine therapist. On her Facebook profile page, she says, "After a forced retirement from riding racehorses for 20+ years, then pursuit of a professional career as a licensed clinical social worker, I am now able to combine them both with Equine Assisted Psychotherapy."

Anyone wanting to learn more about this particular program could contact Suze directly at Operation Open Arms. You can get more information about other Equine Assisted Therapy programs at the Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association website (EAGALA). They have programs around the world.

A Message From My Weight Loss Journey

My goal was to prove that I, a 56 year-old woman, could lose weight and maintain a healthy level of fitness without spending a ton of money on a gimmick, pills, pre-packaged food, extreme diets or (shudder!) surgery.

After years of searching, a few months ago, around mid June 2010, I finally found a healthy lifestyle that works for me. Maybe it would work for you, too.

I love the Mediterranean diet. Not a diet, but more like a way of eating that suits my entire family. The Mediterranean diet is full of juicy, colorful fruits and vegetables. I also use Michael Pollan's Food Rules as an eating guide. In this little book is the wisdom of a thousand grandmothers and the findings of laboratories full of scientists. Also, my husband and I meal plan and grocery shop together which helps a ton! 

For food and calorie journalling I use the Lose It! app on my iPod Touch. It's free. I love, love, LOVE that little app! As my daughter would say, I want to marry it, I love this app so much! Lose It (check it out on Facebook) makes counting calories super easy, so easy there is no excuse to cheat, none, and that makes a world of difference.

For exercise I do what I love, whatever feels good on that particular day. My favorites are yoga, run/walking on my treadmill and horseback riding. For you it might be gardening, bike riding, tennis, golf, walking the dog, it doesn't matter. What matters is movement every day. Choose activities you love. It will keep you young.

Finally, I, a psychologist, am learning that my mind can be devious and I need to keep an eye on its tricks that keep me lazy and overweight. To help me with this process I faithfully follow Our Lady of Weight Loss, Janice Taylor, and others who advocate mindful eating and loving yourself thin. I've always been an advocate of using the carrot rather than the stick to influence behavior. It just took a freaking village to get me to apply this loving, creative, divine philosophy to my own weight loss journey.

It is a journey – never ending, forever challenging. And that's a good thing! Now that I'm on this path the weight is coming off and I am in awe.

See more on My Weight Loss Journey page. Your comments are most welcome!