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What Can We Do About Bullies?

I am so confused. On one hand, tons of advances have been made to raise awareness of the seriously harmful effects of bullying. Schools have active anti-bullying programs; parents have more tools to intervene effectively. On the other hand, bullies and meaness seem out of control in our society, entering the mainstream of behavior like from a firehose.

Last week students at Rutgers University posted a young man’s most private moments online resulting in his suicide, for what purpose? For their entertainment?!

And Paladino! Geez, really Carl? Is that how we want our leaders to act? Like back street bullies? I don’t care what your politics are, really I don't. I totally respect all views. Just don’t yell at me.

It’s not just about what's in the news. In my office I see up close the meaness that passes for communication between couples. I hear about stangers who scream cuss words at each other like drunken sailors over stupid perceived slights (no offense to drunken sailors). Elementary school age bullies cruelly taunting a child who is 'different'.  A neighbor raged at some children playing nearby, “Get your dog off my lawn or I’ll shoot it!”

No joke. I’m beginning to feel like we are all in a very bad 'Jersey Shore' episode. This disinhibited rage has become deadly. It has got to stop.

TGIF! The Far Side of Friday

Usually on Fridays I try to post something light, entertaining, funny – life candy. This Friday I'm just not feeling it. It was a long, emotionally hard week, starting with a visit to my parents in-law who are very frail, followed by the news that a dear friend's mother had passed away. Already in a sad state of mind, I learned that a childhood friend, someone of whom I have fond memories but haven't seen in many years, had committed suicide.

Underneath all this, like the ticker at the bottom of the television screen, was the news of a college student driven by cruelty to jump off the George Washington Bridge, the acute embarrassment of a grown man claiming the qualifications to lead the great state of New York behaving like an idiot, middle-school bully, and more death in Afghanistan.

I hesitate writing this because I do not want my patients to worry about me. I am a therapist and therapists are supposed to be perfectly put together at all times, right? No, I really don't think so. I have to admit, it is not easy to walk that fine line between self-disclosure and professionalism, but doing so leads to a deepening of understanding of our shared life experience. I do not want anyone to worry about me because it's not about me. It's about our common humanity.

So in that spirit, let me tell you, it's been a helluva week for reflection on aging, on life, on death, on civility, kindness and the lack thereof. Memories of my parents' last days, triggered by the week's events, rise to the surface and not far behind that is raw grief. As Mary said in her comment the other day, there is no avoiding grief, there is only working through it.

I am grateful I made it to the far side of Friday. Now I can sit in a comfy chair, look out at the beautiful autumn evening, remember, grieve, cry and restore. Thank God.