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A Bully is a Bully at Work or at Middle School

Bullying in all its forms is cruel. There are times, though, when the bully is so subtle, so devious, that we wonder, 'Am I wrong? Am I making this up?'

The bullying I encountered in my first job as a psychologist, from not just one, but two,  people, was like that. It took over a year for me to figure out that the reason my self-esteem was crumbling was that my bosses took every opportunity to find fault with me in the form of "constructive criticism". Direct harassment I could recognize and do something about. This was worse. I was just beginning to develop my identity as a full-fledged professional. That made me vulnerably dependent on the feedback of my supervisors, those people who had the responsibility to train me and and help me gain confidence as a professional. They abused that power.

Then there's middle school. My high school age kids say that all those TV shows about high school drama really have it wrong. If you are looking for drama go to a middle school. My daughter, S, had a similar experience to mine. My daughter wrote:

"A few years ago, three girls, one of whom I had known for three years, turned on me for absolutely no reason. And that wasn’t even the worst part. I mean obviously it hurt a lot that they suddenly pretended I didn't exist, but what hurt even more was how they would whisper and make fun of me at school.

Obviously it wasn’t like the kind of teasing that is shown on television; the clichéd tough bully praying on a small defenseless geek. No, it was three girls going around being sly and evil, which in my opinion is worse.

During all of this I felt miserable. I cried myself to sleep many nights. I most definitely let these girls get to me and I began to question myself in a million ways. One day, as I was listening to my iPod in my room, as I do almost everyday. I came across this song, and suddenly the meaning behind the words sunk in, You're Exceptional by Jojo. I realized that these girls could do anything they wanted, but they would not destroy my self-esteem. That's when I finally told my Mom what was going on."

In middle school, like in your first job out of grad school, you are vulnerable to the feedback of others. You aren't fully formed yet and every hurt sticks, hard. Mean people smell weakness and go for it because doing so makes them feel powerful. See Queen Bees and Wanabees. 

S was not herself, but she needed to tell me in her own time. I would ask her how she was, take her out one-on-one, make sure she knew I was around ready to listen. When she started to open up about her friends turning on her I had to rein back the impulse to say they were all garbage and good riddance! That wouldn't be helpful to S.

She had to live with these people. S couldn't quit middle school the way I ultimately quit my job when the bosses became toxic. We needed help. I was grateful that our public school district has excellent behavioral health staff. S and I talked with her school counselor, Ms. C, who was perfect. Ms. C took S's concern seriously, helped her confront her tormenters directly and as a result they backed off. When the same thing happened a year later with another set of girls, S was able to handle it. It still hurt, but she had the confidence to deal with it herself. 

Similarly, years after I quit the earlier job with the horrible bosses, I found myself with another bully/supervisor. He appeared to enjoy giving me mediocre performance reviews. He actually said he couldn't give me higher scores because then I wouldn't have anything to work toward! No opportunity to make me feel small was left unturned. Like my daughter, the second time around it still hurt but I was quicker to see the bully in the bad boss. Wiser, older and with a stronger self-esteem I was able to leave quicker, too.

My daughter and I both felt confused, depressed and helpless until we shared our story with someone else. She talked to me, I am proud to say, and when I was having trouble with my boss I spoke to my husband. That was the turning point. If you think you might be bullied, harassed or in any way taken advantage of, talk to a friend, your parents, your spouse, anyone who you know for sure will have your back. Talk to them today.

"Mom, Dad, I'm scared..." 6 Things We Can Do When Our Children Are Bullied.

Just saw this video posted by Cruel's Not Cool on Facebook and I had to share. It made me think of a few ways parents can make a difference when their child is suffering at the hands of a bully. 

1) One of the most important things we can do as parents is listen seriously to our children. It is awful to be dismissed or made to feel like we are just "imagining things" when the cruelty is all too terrifying.

2) Give each of your children one on one time. This can be hard when we have more than one kid, but you can figure out a way to do it. Find a baby sitter, swap time with grandparents or your spouse. 

3) Make that time without agenda. Just "hanging out" in a way that invites conversation provides an environment to share.

4) Trust your gut. If you suspect something is going on, gently ask your kid about it.

5) Do not be tempted to jump in with the solution. Ask your child what ideas they have to stop the bullying; what would they like you to do. Share your thoughts. Suggest a consultation with another adult, the school counselor, for instance. Be sure your child is on board. 

6) Empower your child without expecting him or her to "tough it out". As Cruel's Not Cool says: "We want to teach our kids to be assertive, sure, but some social battles have gotten too big for kids to deal with on their own. If you have a hunch something's going on between your kid and a peer please DIG DEEPER and be there to help get to the bottom of it."

 

Taking the Panic out of the Period: 8 Tips to Explain Menstruation to Your Daughter

My mom was a nut in many ways but I always knew that she loved me. One way she showed her love was by setting aside the time, when I was about nine years old, to tell me what a woman's period was all about. It was just her and me in the house, I don't remember where everyone else went, what happened before or what happened after. What I do remember is sitting on the nubby couch in the living room as she drew a rough sketch of the the female reproductive system. It looked like the head of a cow with horns.

I was lucky. Thanks to my Mom's example, I was able to provide the same to my own daughter. Sadly, I know a lot of women who didn't get the "wondrous mystery of becoming a woman" explained to them in any manner whatsoever or, worse, in a way that was traumatizing. Maybe they just started bleeding "down there" one day, and someone, usually their mom, threw them the necessary sanitary device and that was that. The underlying message was, "It's shameful and dirty, therefore you are shameful and dirty. Deal with it."

Top 10 Posts on the EWN Blog in 2010!

Encouraged by my friend Carolyn Thomas of Heart Sisters, I present to you the ten most popular posts at EWN for 2010! I enjoyed bringing you every single one of them!

1) 7 Ways to Start Being Nicer to Yourself

2) 10 Things to Say to a Sick Friend

3) 8 Steps to Find Hope After an Affair

4) 10 Ways to Find a Good Therapist

5) 12 Links about Finding & Keeping True Love

6) 3 Big Danger Signs Your Partner may be Having an Affair

7) The Relationships Page

8) The Self-Esteem Page

9) 10 Steps to Lower Anxiety & Find Empowerment

10)  The Chronic Illness Page

What strikes me as I look at the list is that all these posts and pages provide feet-on-the-ground, get-to-the-point, practicle advice. In 2011 EWN will our best to continue to deliver quality guidance and information with humor and not a lot of foo-foo.

If there is a particular subject or situation you would like see us tackle, do not hesitate to email ([email protected]) or leave a comment for us below!

9 Questions to Ask to Find Out If Your Parents Are Toxic

1.  Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?

2.  Are many of your major life decisions based on whether your parents would approve?

3.  Do you have intense physical and emotional reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents?

4.  Are you afraid to disagree with your parents?

5.  Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt?

6.  Do your parents manipulate you with money?

7.  Do you feel responsible for how your parents feel? If they are unhappy do you feel it is your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them?

8.  Do you believe no matter what you do, it is never good enough for your parents?

9.  Do you believe that someday, somehow your parents are going to change for the better?

If you answered "Yes" to even three of these questions, chances are your parents (or any other close parental figure) are toxic to you. Dr. Susan Forward, author of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, writes:

"...all toxic parents regardless of the nature of their abuse, basically leave the same scars. For example, your parents may not have been alcoholic, but the chaos, instability and loss of childhood that typify alcoholic homes are just as real for children of other types of toxic parents."

To begin recovery from having toxic parents Dr. Forward and I agree that two facts need to be accepted:

1. You are not responsible for what was done to you when you were a defenseless child.

2. Starting today, as an adult, you are responsible for taking the positive steps needed to liberate yourself from your parent's toxic legacy.

Coming soon: Positive Steps to Free Yourself From Toxic Parents

10 Ways to Care for Your Marriage When You have a Chronic Illness

Good Morning! Today I want to address two really good questions I received concerning husbands when I was the Chronic Illness Expert at Cafe Mom. This one is from Debbie:

"I have a question regarding spouses. I imagine that dealing with "us" becomes overwhelming and frustrating for them, however, what is it when you know yourself that they are using you as an excuse, or blaming you.... making it out that they are NOT the ones with an issue or attitude, that it is us (all the time?). That is simply not true.  But it becomes a battle of wits... almost like you are being enticed into an argument for the sake of making them appear right. Why is this?"

 And this from Susan:

"What are some tips for helping our mates cope with this awful spot they are in?  My husband has had to step and take on primary responsibility for work, since I can only work sporadically, care of our son, cooking etc.  We've developed some crafty ways to tell him when I am in pain and how severe it is, like using magnetic numbers for the fridge.  But I mean deeper, he is starting to show signs of wear and tear.  I do my best to make sure he gets some free time, but he has the weight of the world on his shoulders and I want to lift some of that off without plopping it on me in the form of guilt."

 How many of us really know what we are talking about when we take our wedding vows, “in sickness and in health”? Most of us don’t have a clue. Our partners were blind-sided by the illness just like we were and therefore they are vulnerable to similar emotional stress.

Most of us, men in particular, are programmed from birth to fix things. Our healthy spouses hate that in the face of chronic illness, they can’t fix things for you. Their frustration can come out as irritability, sniping, overcompensation, co-dependent, enabling-type behavior, throwing themselves into work (an area where they can feel competant) and/or shutting down emotionally, appearing kind of flat. All of these can be masking depression.

When we are talking about our spouse’s happiness we are often talking about the health of our marriage. Here are a few tips that I hope will help your marriage cope with the stress of chronic illness. Not in order of importance:

1) Be honest with yourself. Only you in your heart can know how much you reasonably can and cannot do. When you know your limits there is no need to be defensive.

2) Remember you are on the same team. Your marriage is a cart being drawn by two horses, you and your spouse. Being a team, when you pull in the same direction with the same speed, your cart goes forward. If you run in opposite directions, the cart falls apart.

 

Three Reasons to Make Family Meals a Priority

Below is an excerpt of an interview I did about the benefits of families eating together.

Q: What are the top three reasons a family should have at least one meal together?

I hope we are talking about having at least one meal together a week! Study after study has shown that the more often families eat together the healthier the kids are physically and emotionally.

1) Kids who eat regular meals with their family are less depressed and less likely to act out by doing things like smoke or do drugs. That alone is a good enough reason for me to promote more family meals. But the benefits apparently do not stop there.

2) Kids who participate in regular family meals do better in school, are more confident socially and delay having sex longer. It's not just the kids who benefit, of course.

3) Families who eat together are likely to take more thought into what they are eating and so make better food choices. In other words, they eat more vegetables and less junk.

Q: Families are busy.  How can a family find the time to eat together with packed schedules?

7 Steps When Someone You Care About Is Depressed

1. Be informed.
2. Help your friend get help.
3. Join supportive, informative organizations.
4. Keep healthy boundaries.
5. Do not work harder than your loved one.
6. Take threats or comments about suicide seriously.
7. Find help for yourself.

You can find the entire, more detailed article by clicking here.

I wrote this piece for Lawyers With Depression, a website founded by Daniel T. Lukasik, Esq, an attorney who has battled depression himself. He "established this site to try to be a loving presence to my fellow attorneys, judges and law students who suffer from this terrible disease.  Part of my attempt to be that loving presence is to establish, in one place, articles, materials and research that may help others in the profession with depression."

How much courage it takes to speak truth to a tradition that is all about showing no weakness, I can only imagine. For that alone I admire Dan a great deal. When he asked me to write an article about depression for the site and I was more than happy to do so. Below is an excerpt:

When I was in college, a close friend of mine went from being a free spirit to confining herself to her bedroom. She ate breakfast, lunch and dinner on her bed, if she ate at all. She stopped going to classes. When I visited she expected me to be happy sitting on her bed with her watching something on TV. She made sure the volume was too loud to allow conversation. When I asked her how she was, she said, “Fine.” When I told her I was worried about her, she got angry, “I told you. I’m fine!” So I shut up. The whole scene made me uneasy but I rationalized my fears by telling myself she was smart, that if something were truly wrong she would get help.

A month later her brother told me my friend was hospitalized after trying to kill herself. Thank God she survived. There was no hiding her depression any longer. Her family became involved and she got proper treatment and recovered.

Could I have done anything differently? Every single person who knew my friend asked themselves that question. We each had to deal with our feelings of anger, guilt and responsibility in our own way. Back then I was young and naïve. Today I know better. That doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, it is hard to face a demon like depression, whether you have it or a law student or lawyer you care about does.

Just know that you do not have to stand by and worry helplessly. There are some helpful things you can do to help yourself and your colleague, friend or loved one. Here are a few tips that I hope will help.

Click here to read the entire article.

Bringing In Family to Fight Anorexia

The girl said she would eat it only if she could have it plain, with nothing on it. The parents countered that they really wanted her to eat it with the cream cheese. Her last offer: she would eat half.

via www.nytimes.com

This article is about a 'new' method, the Maudsley method, to treat anorexia nervosa. As far as I can see it has three things going for it.

1) It is intuitive, a fancy way of saying it makes perfect common sense.
2) It empowers parents to help their child in a kind, healthy but firm way.
3) It addresses eating to maintain a healthy weight first, correcting for the cognitive distortions associated with it, second.

Read the entire article and see what you think.

10 Challenges for Parents With Chronic Illness

In the Parents Magazine article, "Mommy Isn't Feeling Well Today," Sarah Mahoney interviews many experts: professionals, parents who have chronic illness and sometimes, as in my case, people who are both. The article is impressive in how it covers many of the challenges parents face every day rearing their kids while their health is seriously compromised.

Below I summarize the article's most salient points and add my comments:

1)  "Handling chronic illness is about learning to live in balance," said Rosalind Doran, Psy.D. 

Many of us learn the hard way that if we don't pay attention to what and how much we do in all spheres of our lives we can quickly over-do. The result is the same as when the tires on our car are out of balance. We're in for a very bumpy ride.

2) "You can't dwell on questions like. 'Why is this happening to me?' or 'What if it gets worse?' It's important to focus on feeling well and to maintain a positive outlook."

Yes, this is more easily said then done but this is an important point and one I've made before. If you have a chronic illness, and I do, there is a danger that we will over-identify with being a sick person. We are not our illness and it really does matter that we make the effort to see the cup half full.

3)  The first hurdle is revising expectations of family life. "Of course, you can still be a loving parent, but some adjustments will have to be made. Your family will not look the way you imagined it would. That's a loss, and it hurts a lot."

In order to move on, down a new path, we need to let go of what may have happened if we had gone down another. If we hold on to, "What would my life have been like if I wasn't sick?" we deny ourselves the opportunity to create a real and satisfying present.

4)  A chronic illness may change your plans about having more children.

That may mean imagining a life with fewer kids, considering adoption or even remaining childless. I had to accept the very real possibility that I would not be able to have kids. As anyone who has been through such an agonizing reality, there is a mourning process, a grieving that takes place. For many women there is also a feeling of guilt (could I have done something to avoid this?) that must be let go.