Explore What's Next

Don't make yourself nuts! For today forget about self-improvement!

“Today, let go of all that self-improvement stuff and say to yourself: ‘I don't have to be a better person today.’ You don't ... you're already close enough. Now with lightness and merriment go do your creative stuff.”  -Jill Badonsky

Anxiety and depression messes up how we see ourselves. No matter what is going on, when we are depressed, we are not good enough. It doesn't matter if you are a CEO or the dish washer in a diner, depression brings us all down to the same level – the basement.

If we could remember that wherever we are, whatever we are doing we are good, there would be so much less anxiety, so much less depression in the world. The things that make us anxious appear to be real but they usually are not. They are shadows of little things that are made huge by our minds.

I have to remember this all the time myself.

As a therapist it is not hard to explain to someone who is anxious that the thing that is making them anxious is a trick of the mind, something made up by our mind to keep us in a confined comfort zone. I can see it clearly. Helping the other person to see what I see is my part of my job.

Doing it for myself is trickier.

Conditions are things like "When I find the right guy I will be happy" or "When I start working again," or "When I stop being anxious about driving on the highway." These are all conditions that keep us tied down just like a chained dog.

What life has taught me, a lesson I learn over and over, is that I am always Good. I always have value. The bill still needs to be paid, and I may still want to lose ten pounds, but no matter what, I am a good person now.

It is wonderful when we are validated externally, when someone we respect says, "You did such a great job!"  But it is most important when we know it truly, deeply for ourselves.

Photo courtesy of jcornelius

A Day in the Life of a Psychologist

It is about time to go to bed but I couldn't see sleeping soundly without posting something first. It's been four days since my last post, long enough to make me think of turning in my blogger's badge due to blog neglect. If I post, I think, what will I write about? All options seem either lame, done before or too complicated to write easily. Which is why I decided to just write about my day. Rather than list all the reasons I have no time to write, I will write about what my time is like just for this one day.

5:30AM

I woke up a few minutes before the alarm goes off. That is generally a good sign I got a good night's sleep. Also it means there is no excuse to not do some form of exercise. Today it's yoga. After 20 minutes of vinyasas, there's time for breakfast, grooming, get dressed, make my lunch and get out the door. Thank God my kids are teens. All they need from me is a kiss and a "Have a great day!"

7:30AM

I open the office, turn on lights, get the heat going, make sure the coffee/tea machine is ready and prepare for the first of seven patients I will see today, including a Skype session from out of state.

Among the guests at my office today was a dog. Occasionally a client asks if they can bring their dog to a session and I say yes. Labradors, Goldens, miniature terriers, yorkies, shepards, mixed mystery breeds, I can't remember all the different types of dogs that have come to my office to check me out. Dogs, like most pets, are very therapeutic. I know a psychiatrist who had an office cat which was pretty cool. Her patients loved that cat.

11:30AM

I have a break from 11:00 to 1:00 but it really isn't a break. Over the last year I took a couples therapy seminar. To earn continuing education credits I have to fill out a 200 question exam and answer 80% of the questions correctly. This will be a breeze! Haha! Not so easy. It's taken four days but finally today I finished it. Time for lunch!

Over lunch I'm cruising around the Internet when my connection goes down. What?! Yes, and the phone land line too. You have got to be kidding. There is no time to call before my next patient. Just the thought of being put on hold and forced to listen to bad easy listening jazz gives me a headache. Instead, I take a Tylenol, make myself a cup of French Roast decaf and settle in for the afternoon sessions.

5:00PM

The door closes on my last patient for the day. There is still a lot to do, the unglamorous, administrative side to running a private practice business. Sadly, there is no room to procrastinate. Rats.

This weekend I am leaving for California to meet up with my web site designer, social networking coach and blog editor, founder of Smack Smog, Stephen O'Bryan. It will be a week of workmen's holiday. Steve and I are revamping, consolidating and upgrading the Explore What's Next website and blog. I'll write more about this soon.

For now it's enough to say that because of the trip I couldn't put off doing stuff like writing process notes for everyone I saw today, trying to make sense of the explanation of benefit reports from insurance companies, recording financials on a spread sheet, reading and responding to emails and vmails, faxing docs to my off-site admin, and calling the damn telecommunications company (Verizon. There, I said it) to ask what the heck happened to my service?

6:00PM

Home. My dog greets me at the door with that strange mixture of uplifting happiness (I'm so glad to see you!) and guilt provoking sadness (how could you leave me all day? Do I smell another dog?). I change into something that can get splattered with olive oil and it won't matter. Today I am on dinner duty. Broccoli Pasta is on the menu. Thank God for meal planning. Food is good!

7:00PM

Chauffeur son to music lesson. Chauffeur same son to high school for basketball game after music lesson. Return home. Chauffeur spouse with sports related injury to pharmacy.

8:45PM

Home for good at last. After counting the daily calories on my Lose It app I decide I can afford to have a snack. (Half an apple, a few raisins and almonds.) Watch a little American Idol with my daughter, a little "news" with my husband. Clean up and begin writing this post.

10:30PM

And here we are. Finally putting the day to rest, the go to sleep ritual, and sweet dreams.

My 8 Favorite Winter Depression Busters

It's snowing. Again. Here in the Deep North, right up against our dear friends in Canada, we should be used to it snowing all the time but this winter it's been a little ridiculous, don't you think? The forecast for the week is more snow and frigid temps. Here are a few things that help me keep warm, happy and sane despite the cold and endless white stuff. What's helping you survive this winter? Please share!

1) Alpaca fiber socks. These socks are the best socks in the world! They are called Survival Socks for a reason! Warm, soft and amazing at keeping dry. If you wear boots for any reason, for sport, for work, to dig out of the snow or walk your dog through the snowdrifts, these socks will not let you down. Even after coming in, I keep my alpaca socks on to pad around the house. 

2) Bonjour Primo Latte battery operated whisk. I am not big on kitchen gadgets but this is one I love! For under twenty bucks you can make your own skinny vanilla latte at home any time you want! Try this recipe: 3/4 cup 1% milk + 1/4 cup water heated in the microwave for 30 seconds, 1/2 tsp sugar, 1 tsp instant Espresso, a drop or two of real vanilla extract. Whisk with your new toy and Voila! A frothy low cal treat!

 

3) Hot chocolate. Not just any hot chocolate. Ghirardelli Chocolate Mocha! I take my chocolate very, very seriously. This stuff is the Rolls Royce of hot chocolate. All other hot chocolate will turn to chalk in your mouth after you taste this rich goodness. That's all I have to say.

 

4) Roku. If you have a Netflix account, a wireless server and an accommodating television, consider getting a Roku. A box that streams in every television show or movie that is on your "watch instantly" Netflix queue. There are other appliances that do the same thing but our Roku cost less than $70 dollars. All the Psych and Monk episodes you can stand passes the time during a blizzard.

 

5) A ruana, shawl, cosy blanket, throw or snuggie. OK, maybe not a snuggie but I love my favorite ruana, a soft wrap that traps my body heat just where I want it and it looks good, too! Which, let's be honest, a snuggie can never do, even a leopard print one. Just thinking about my ruana makes me feel warm. I think I'll go get it right now.

 

 

6) Treadmill. If it weren't for my treadmill I would be a sad, flabby mess. As it is, I know I'm not in as good shape as I am in the summer when it's so easy to go outside but what the heck–it's winter and I'm not going to get all guilty about slowing down. Activity is a depression buster, though, and not being a skier, walking or running on my treadmill gives me a needed charge of energy to keep me going when the carbs are calling and the couch is sooo comfy.

 

7) Oil popped popcorn. Microwave popcorn is good but real oil popped popcorn has that special almost like movie popcorn taste. Some people say popping your own is healthier than microwave. I don't know but I do know it's cheaper! Popcorn is not that hard to make once you have the knack. Try this recipe.

 

 

8) A dog or a cat or any cuddly pet. Their furry goodness warms the heart and makes the frozen days feel less isolating. If they let you get close, their body heat is a good as any heating pad. They are great entertainment value as well! My dog happily hopping in the deep snow makes me laugh every time. Winter depression busted!

Laugh When You Are Afraid

“If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane,” sings Jimmy Buffett.

“Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods,” says a Japanese proverb.

via psychcentral.com

For many of us, our ability to laugh at ourselves, at life, is a balm for what ails us. Seeing the absurdity in a situation can break tension and stress. It can literally flip a moment from intense conflict to one of laughter and lightness of heart. There are so many benefits to laughter that when we lose our sense of humor we know that something is very wrong.

Therese Borchard writes about others for whom humor is a major coping skill for getting through depression and anxiety. Read the whole article.

There's No Place Like Home, Over the Rainbow

'Over the Rainbow' was on the childhood soundtrack for me, a Kansas girl. It was a favorite of my mother's, who adored Judy Garland. I sang it at many family events, the last time at my father's memorial service. Everyone in attendance sang along.

When I was a kid, once a year, my family gathered around the one television in the house to watch the 'Wizard of Oz.' That was a big event back then before movies on demand or DVDs. By the time Dorothy said, "There's no place like home!" everyone in the place blinked, pretended they weren't sniffing away tears. 

I love this fresh new rendition of a lovely, iconic, old song done by the cast of Glee. Enjoy!

 

 

 

10 Fun Ways to Enjoy Life Like a Kid

Photo courtesy of D Sharon Pruitt

My Mom was good at connecting with the 'child within' and she shared her gift generously with us kids. I remember the first time we went to a fast food restaurant. How many people can say that? My Dad was very formal and would never be caught dead in such a place.

One day it was lunch time, my Dad was at work. Instead of making the usual p,b & j sandwiches, my Mom said, "Let's go to Smack's!" This was ages ago, before McDonald's ruled the land. Smack's was a McDonald's precursor. Amped up on the adventure, we ordered our hamburgers and french fries. At the table my mother, as if she were performing a most solemn magic trick, taught us how to dip our french fries in ketchup for a new, fascinating taste sensation!

Imagine taking something as mundane as eating french fries and making it a mystical experience. That's what kids do all the time. We adults could use some of that magic from time to time. Here is my take on 33 Ways to be Childlike posted by Tiny Buddah:

1. Read a book you loved as a kid. Where the Wild Things Are! Everyone Poops! Pippi Longstocking! Green Eggs and Ham! El Raton Perez! What's your favorite?

2. Figure out how something works. It's so easy to Google the craziest things like How do worms have sex? Or what does a pineapple plant look like? Learning just for the hell of it is incredibly entertaining.

3. Fill out your own permission slip to go to the aquarium, a museum, or a nearby tourist attraction. If something looks interesting, take a break and go! Having kids helps because they are a good excuse to drop chores and head out. One Friday my daughter got home from school and suggested we go to Starbucks for her favorite frozen drink. I was tired and there was dinner to prepare so I resisted, but when a teenager says she wants to spend time with you, you go. The break was totally refreshing. The permission slip? Oh! I ordered-in from the Falafel Bar instead of cooking dinner!

4. Do something fun.  When I'm working at home and need a break I grab a ball and go outside with my dog. He's the world's worst at fetching but he makes up for it in enthusiasm. Watching him jump up to catch the ball in mid-air lightens my heart with childlike joy.

5. Explore. Walk around your block without any intention. Just see what’s going on, maybe even using a big fallen branch as a walking stick. I can do this in my own back yard or even the drive between home and the office. When you take the time to pay attention and just look it's as if you are seeing the familiar for the first time.

6. Run or skip if you feel like it.  My favorite is to put on some revved up dance music, maybe Shakira or Lady Gaga, and dance like no one is watching... Because (this is so great) no one is!

7. Be silly and laugh out loud. Look for funny things in your day–they’re always there–and let yourself laugh about them. And if you laugh 'too loudly', like I do, let it rip! I was in a shop the other day. I was laughing with the clerk about something silly.  An old friend, who I haven't seen in years, popped up and said, "I thought I recognized that laugh!" That my laugh precedes me is something I've learned to accept. It's a little embarrassing and wonderful at the same time.

8. Try a new look. Think the kid from Adam Sandler’s Big Daddy, when he dressed himself, but a little less ridiculous. This is why God gave us accessories. Grab a bright scarf, those shiny earrings, a big, thick belt and your mommy's (I mean, your) highest heels. Strut your stuff like those kids on Toddlers & Tiaras.

9. Remember something awesome and call a friend to share it. This is most fun with someone who shares the memories, or similar ones, like a sister or your best friend from college. My son just went to his Junior Prom. After the photos were taken and he left with his date, my husband and I smiled and laughed remembering our own prom nights. Those were good times (and thank god my son isn't as crazy as we were!)

10. Tell someone they’re your hero. If you admire what they do, look right in their eyes and say, “I think you’re pretty awesome.” I know this is corny, but kids are corny like that and not afraid to show it! 

I swear, when you share your admiration frankly and directly with someone, endorphins are released, producing a natural high that is very child-like and makes everyone feel good.

You get the picture? Great! Have fun and read all 33 ways to reconnect with the kid in you at tinybuddha.com.

Don't Wait Until You Need A Vacation to Take One

"Time is the wisest counselor of all."  ~Pericles

My vacation is coming to a close. It was only a week; a few days away, a few days at home, but it was good. I have one more day to wallow in without anything scheduled. Boy, am I looking forward to it. Maybe I'll putter around the garden. Maybe do a little writing. Take the dog for a walk. Who knows? Who cares? It's just me and the lovely quiet here.

Taking time off was a wise move. I didn't realize how long it had been since my last break (last July) and I was feeling the pressure. I do not recommend waiting that long. Vacations should be taken before we desperately need them, not after, when we're so burnt out it takes four days just to feel normal. That's like not drinking a cool, clean glass of water until you are so parched you can't spit to save your life. Not healthy.

When I give myself the gift of time without agenda, without expectations, I reset my internal pacemaker to a more reasonable setting. I can hear my thoughts again instead of a lot of noise. As I return to my regularly scheduled programming I will try to remember this feeling.

In Praise of the Ordinary

"Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary."  ~Cecil Beaton

Hey, Cecil Beaton! With all due respect, what's so wrong with the ordinary?

Sometimes life can be extraordinary in quite unpleasant ways. Sudden lay offs, unexpected debt, devalued property. Then there's the medical crisis, or the endless marathon of chronic illness. I'll bet the people in Haiti or Tibet would love to have some 'ordinary' about now.

After going through almost simultaneous crises – the death of my parents, a major bout with kidney disease, job troubles, I longed for some Ordinary. Just let me get up in the morning without pain, I prayed. Please let me have enough energy to cook dinner the way I used to, enough money in the bank to pay the bills. Today, with health issues in remission and life reasonable stabilized I retain my appreciation of the beauty of a sweet ordinary day. It's nothing more than being mindful, with an open mind and an open heart.

Of course we all know what Cecil Beaton is getting at. He wants us to aspire for great things, to dare to stretch beyond what is comfortable. I get that and it's good. I just think he carries it too far when he says to do differently is to become a "slave of the ordinary."

I believe there's room in our lives for both the Earth and the stars.

Fall In Love at Least Three Times a Day

Today I woke up nice and content in my own skin.

Why? (you may ask) Could it be because I got a good night's sleep? Because for a few days in a row I didn't eat that second cookie? Because the days are longer? Because health care reform passed?

Does it matter? Why look a gift horse in the mouth? Why not just let it be?

Too often it feels like we are on the other side of the mood spectrum. Glum and out of sorts, we work on our cognitions to boost our mood with reasonable self-talk and affirmations. That's important and effective for those dark days, but for once, wouldn't it be nice to have a day that, for no obvious reason, just felt good?

Instead of questioning it, I decided to get on board and enjoy the ride...

I thanked God for putting this new day before me. (And for giving me the day off!)

Outside my window, the sky was cloudy but the cool wetness contrasted with the coziness of being inside where it was warm and dry.

My dog had an appointment at the groomer's. Instead of driving him there and driving all the way back home, I brought along some 'homework' to do at the Starbuck's close by. A tall, skinny, vanilla latte, please!

My most excellent dog was excited to see me when I picked him up. Nothing like unconditional doggy love!

After a light workout, I took a shower. If you have ever traveled abroad you know what miracles hot, steamy showers are.

Friday Life Candy

A WOMAN GOES BACK TO WORK AFTER THIRTY YEARS... 

There is a video going around Facebook that is only four seconds long but guaranteed to make you smile!

Click here to view it. Happy Friday!