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Mindfulness vs Technology

On the long flight from New York to LA my plane was outfitted with individual monitors. With the swipe of a credit card you would have your choice of television programs, movies, games like poker, Bejeweled, solitaire, chess, maps to track the plane's progress, weather reports, music, talk radio programming... 

My first reaction to seeing the screens, which were not guaranteed when I made my reservation, was "Oh boy! This flight is going to be fun!" Once settled in my seat I looked up to a blank monitor. Mine was the only screen on the entire plane not working!

Nooooo!

My reaction was a little intense for a minute. My body went into full fight mode. Could I sue the airline? Demand an upgrade to first class? The degree of frustration was a wee bit alarming. Where was this coming from?

Our society is so conflicted, now more than ever, it seems. Mindfulness is preached as the soothing balm to the pressures of every day life. Yet we are made to feel we will miss something of life and death importance if we don't have a mobile phone that can search for the latest restaurant while we simultaneously talk over dinner plans with our spouse. 

Now I love my gadgets, I do. I love that I can listen to heart thumping music as I run, look up the exact location of Bahrain, and check my calendar from one handy device. Do not even think that I am advocating going gadget-less.

I just think I am not alone in struggling with the proper balance between using these wonderful tools and giving in too much, allowing them to use me. When I lost the solitaire app on my iPod I resisted the urge to re-install it because I spent too much time on that thing. I'm still going through withdrawal. What is the anti-dote to too much technology?

Mindfulness is an ability. It is the ability to open the entire body, all the senses that are available to us, mind, body and spirit to the miracle of Being. Right now in this moment I am witnessing the sunrise over the San Gabriel mountains. The sunlight slants into the East facing window. Everyone in the house is asleep; it is quiet. Once in a while a birdie sings. I made coffee. The taste and smell of it lingers. The air is cool on my cheek. Restful, I am content.

A voice in me says, "You should do this more."

The child in us loves the distractions, the toy-ness of our gadgets, the call to get gratification now!  It takes a strong adult to remember to step away and focus on what our spirit longs for: Our full, un-distracted, attention. 

My 8 Favorite Winter Depression Busters

It's snowing. Again. Here in the Deep North, right up against our dear friends in Canada, we should be used to it snowing all the time but this winter it's been a little ridiculous, don't you think? The forecast for the week is more snow and frigid temps. Here are a few things that help me keep warm, happy and sane despite the cold and endless white stuff. What's helping you survive this winter? Please share!

1) Alpaca fiber socks. These socks are the best socks in the world! They are called Survival Socks for a reason! Warm, soft and amazing at keeping dry. If you wear boots for any reason, for sport, for work, to dig out of the snow or walk your dog through the snowdrifts, these socks will not let you down. Even after coming in, I keep my alpaca socks on to pad around the house. 

2) Bonjour Primo Latte battery operated whisk. I am not big on kitchen gadgets but this is one I love! For under twenty bucks you can make your own skinny vanilla latte at home any time you want! Try this recipe: 3/4 cup 1% milk + 1/4 cup water heated in the microwave for 30 seconds, 1/2 tsp sugar, 1 tsp instant Espresso, a drop or two of real vanilla extract. Whisk with your new toy and Voila! A frothy low cal treat!

 

3) Hot chocolate. Not just any hot chocolate. Ghirardelli Chocolate Mocha! I take my chocolate very, very seriously. This stuff is the Rolls Royce of hot chocolate. All other hot chocolate will turn to chalk in your mouth after you taste this rich goodness. That's all I have to say.

 

4) Roku. If you have a Netflix account, a wireless server and an accommodating television, consider getting a Roku. A box that streams in every television show or movie that is on your "watch instantly" Netflix queue. There are other appliances that do the same thing but our Roku cost less than $70 dollars. All the Psych and Monk episodes you can stand passes the time during a blizzard.

 

5) A ruana, shawl, cosy blanket, throw or snuggie. OK, maybe not a snuggie but I love my favorite ruana, a soft wrap that traps my body heat just where I want it and it looks good, too! Which, let's be honest, a snuggie can never do, even a leopard print one. Just thinking about my ruana makes me feel warm. I think I'll go get it right now.

 

 

6) Treadmill. If it weren't for my treadmill I would be a sad, flabby mess. As it is, I know I'm not in as good shape as I am in the summer when it's so easy to go outside but what the heck–it's winter and I'm not going to get all guilty about slowing down. Activity is a depression buster, though, and not being a skier, walking or running on my treadmill gives me a needed charge of energy to keep me going when the carbs are calling and the couch is sooo comfy.

 

7) Oil popped popcorn. Microwave popcorn is good but real oil popped popcorn has that special almost like movie popcorn taste. Some people say popping your own is healthier than microwave. I don't know but I do know it's cheaper! Popcorn is not that hard to make once you have the knack. Try this recipe.

 

 

8) A dog or a cat or any cuddly pet. Their furry goodness warms the heart and makes the frozen days feel less isolating. If they let you get close, their body heat is a good as any heating pad. They are great entertainment value as well! My dog happily hopping in the deep snow makes me laugh every time. Winter depression busted!

Seven Rules for Surviving an Abusive Boss

The theme this week appears to be bullying in all its forms. From the bullies found among girls in middle school all the way to dictators who impose totalitarian rule over their people: bullies are not to be tolerated.

A few years ago I wrote this piece originally for PsychCentral. The message is still relevant today.

~***~

At the interview for my first professional job, my future boss asked me, “I notice you’re married. Are you planning to get pregnant?” After I picked my jaw off the floor I stammered, “Uh... no?”

It was a totally illegal question and the shocker was it came from a woman. What I should have done was run screaming for the nearest exit. But the job was offered, I took it and three years later I quit with a raging case of Post-Traumatic Boss Disorder.

Rule #1: How you are treated from ‘go’ is a good indicator of how you will be treated on the job. The first phone call, your interview, how an offer is made and how negotiations are handled…

My boss made me think I was her confidant. She gave me the plum jobs and ‘confided’ to me that everyone else was inferior. I was young, naive and, frankly, full of myself. For two years my feet hardly touched the ground.

It didn’t last. The Boss-zilla is a soul-sucking manipulator of narcissistic proportions. He hooks you in with compliments and seductive ‘let’s be friends’ invitations. First you are the golden child, held above all others and then he tears out your heart and shows it to you while it’s still pumping..… uh… Did I say that out loud?

Rule #2: Keep a healthy distance. You cannot be friends with your boss.

Into the third year, my work was bounced back to me bleeding red edits. My boss started calling me into her office for ‘feedback’ sessions that got more and more humiliating. How did I lose my touch? Answer: I didn’t. I was the same hard-working nerd I always was; it was my boss’s attitude toward me that had changed.

Rule #3: You are neither all good nor all bad.

My co-workers hated me. As long as I was the ‘good’ one I didn’t care. When things went south I couldn’t take being isolated anymore and I started talking with other staff. Generously they forgave me and shared their own horror stories of abuse from my boss. What an eye opener!

Rule #4: Keep open diplomacy among co-workers.

They don’t have to be your friends but you should be able to compare notes just like siblings do about their parents. Dysfunctional bosses often use the old divide and conquer game to keep staff malleable.

Once I realized it wasn’t me, that it was a sick, dysfunctional corporate culture that allowed my boss to be abusive, I had a decision to make. My moment of truth came when I realized I had become someone I didn’t recognize and didn’t like. Depressed, obsequious, timid, who was this person? I wanted my spirit back and the only way for me was to leave. So I quit. That sounds easy. It wasn’t. It took months to find a job that felt like a good move, not a big step backwards.

Rule #5: Learn to define yourself by who are, not what you do.

Or “Don’t forget to have a life.” A lot of us were raised to think our end-all and be-all is our occupation. The first thing we tend to ask each other after being introduced is, “So what do you do?” I’ve had clients, grown men miserable in their jobs, shrink from the idea of quitting primarily because they have no idea who they are without the job. Family and friends (my husband was great at this) help us remember we are parents, church and temple members, coaches, thinkers, readers, spouses, travelers, life adventurers and more. These roles are constant no matter what the job is.

Rule #6: Always remember you have options; quitting is only one of them.

If you think you don’t, you will become depressed, a burnt-out shadow of your former self. Find a psychologist, life coach or career counselor to help you regain the perspective you’ve lost in abusive boss hell.

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have at least one Boss-zilla story. A power-mad night supervisor at Taco Bell or a VP at a Fortune 500 company, it’s all the same. Post-traumatic Boss Disorder (PTBD) is no joke. It took me a good year to stop shaking every time my new boss asked me to his office for a conference.

Rule #7: Living well is the best revenge.

Giving notice to Boss-zilla was as bad as I thought it was going to be. She called me ungrateful; I was told my poor performance would follow me wherever I went. What kept me calm throughout her tantrum was knowing my new job was at a very prestigious institution, which had to be killing her. She didn’t need to know there was no salary increase.

PTBD struck again many years later. Older and wiser, I recognized the signs early and took action quicker than before. From then on I’ve been self-employed. Today I’m happy to say my boss is usually pretty reasonable.

Originally published on PsychCentral

10 Steps to Help Conquer Perfectionism

Perfectionism was on my mind this week. I had several conversations with people struggling to keep up with their inner perfectionist. Is it possible to be a slob and still be a perfectionist? Yes! If we think a perfectly immaculate house is the be all and end all of life, we may very well give up and let the dust bunnies take over.

How can we just say no to that nasty perfectionist voice in our heads? Read this article by Therese Brochard, Beyond Blue, and see what you think.

Perfectionism. It's the enemy of creativity, productivity, and, well, sanity. In "The Artist's Way," author Julia Cameron writes: "Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop: an obsessive, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are writing or painting or making and [causes you] to lose sight of the whole." But you don't even have to be creating anything to be crippled by perfectionism. It can also frustrate your efforts as a mom, a wife, a friend, and a human being. Because no one and no thing is perfect in this blemished world of ours.

I tackle this adversary everyday. And although my inner perfectionist clearly has hold of my brain many days, I do think I am handcuffed less often by the fear of messing up than I used to be. Here are 10 techniques I use to break out of the prison of perfectionism in order to live and create as freely as I can in an imperfect world.

Top 10 Posts on the EWN Blog in 2010!

Encouraged by my friend Carolyn Thomas of Heart Sisters, I present to you the ten most popular posts at EWN for 2010! I enjoyed bringing you every single one of them!

1) 7 Ways to Start Being Nicer to Yourself

2) 10 Things to Say to a Sick Friend

3) 8 Steps to Find Hope After an Affair

4) 10 Ways to Find a Good Therapist

5) 12 Links about Finding & Keeping True Love

6) 3 Big Danger Signs Your Partner may be Having an Affair

7) The Relationships Page

8) The Self-Esteem Page

9) 10 Steps to Lower Anxiety & Find Empowerment

10)  The Chronic Illness Page

What strikes me as I look at the list is that all these posts and pages provide feet-on-the-ground, get-to-the-point, practicle advice. In 2011 EWN will our best to continue to deliver quality guidance and information with humor and not a lot of foo-foo.

If there is a particular subject or situation you would like see us tackle, do not hesitate to email ([email protected]) or leave a comment for us below!

9 Questions to Ask to Find Out If Your Parents Are Toxic

1.  Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?

2.  Are many of your major life decisions based on whether your parents would approve?

3.  Do you have intense physical and emotional reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents?

4.  Are you afraid to disagree with your parents?

5.  Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt?

6.  Do your parents manipulate you with money?

7.  Do you feel responsible for how your parents feel? If they are unhappy do you feel it is your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them?

8.  Do you believe no matter what you do, it is never good enough for your parents?

9.  Do you believe that someday, somehow your parents are going to change for the better?

If you answered "Yes" to even three of these questions, chances are your parents (or any other close parental figure) are toxic to you. Dr. Susan Forward, author of Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life, writes:

"...all toxic parents regardless of the nature of their abuse, basically leave the same scars. For example, your parents may not have been alcoholic, but the chaos, instability and loss of childhood that typify alcoholic homes are just as real for children of other types of toxic parents."

To begin recovery from having toxic parents Dr. Forward and I agree that two facts need to be accepted:

1. You are not responsible for what was done to you when you were a defenseless child.

2. Starting today, as an adult, you are responsible for taking the positive steps needed to liberate yourself from your parent's toxic legacy.

Coming soon: Positive Steps to Free Yourself From Toxic Parents

Six Tips for Dealing With Bullies

"You're a bully, Mother."

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are. Anyone who makes another feel less of themselves is a bully."

            ~Sue Sylvester, calling the kettle black in 'Glee'.

Bullying. What a stupid word to describe such aggressive, terrorizing, malignant behavior.

Bullies come in all sizes, genders and ages. They can be found in all environments where human interaction takes place. As parents we focus on protecting our children from bullies at school, but that can just as easily be in our workplace, neighborhood, even our place of worship.

When I was a kid I had my share of teasing but not what I would call aggravated bullying. There was a little girl younger than me, though, in my neighborhood who was harassed by her brother. He could be verbally vicious, and that was what I saw. God knows what happened behind closed doors. It still makes me cringe that I did nothing for that child, even though I was a child myself. Where the hell were the parents? Probably confusing run of the mill "sibling rivalry" with the horrible reality of the sibling bullying occurring in their home.

As a grown up I ran into bullying from an unlikely source – my boss. It took years and comparing notes with co-workers to fully comprehend what was going on. Rather than continue to absorb the psychological blows, I quit.  Workplace bullies are not as uncommon as I naively thought. Today sexual harassment and environmental safety laws help but I believe that has only driven the behavior underground.

My Weight Loss Journey: The Dreaded Plateau!

Today I weighed myself to find I finally broke through the 140 pound Wall of Death. The digital read-out said "139.7" Yes, I realize that is only 3/10th of a pound below 140 but, dear God Almighty, I took it, held it close to my heart and did my happy Snoopy dance anyway!

This achievement is oh soooo sweet! For week after week I vacillated between 141 and 144. Many a weight loss ship is wrecked upon the rocks of the dreaded PLATEAU. Mine has always been at that five-pounds-left-to-go-before-goal phase. It happened many times, the latest a few years ago when I did Weight Watchers. I did fine until I was five pounds away from goal. Then I stopped losing and started gaining again.

It was so frustrating. Like climbing within ten feet of the summit of Mount Everest and turning back for no good reason.

The PLATEAU is generally attributed to biological stuff. Everyone knows that in order to lose weight the number of calories 'In' has to be less than the number of calories 'Out'. If you try to lose weight quickly by going on a super restrictive low calorie diet, the body/brain perceives a famine is going on out there. Result: It does what it needs to do to keep the metabolism from burning the few calories that are coming in. Thus a plateau.

The number one way to avoid a plateau is not lose weight so fast in the first place. Forget The Biggest Loser. Double digit a week weight loss is for idiots! Healthy, permanent, weight loss is no more than two pounds a week (doctor's orders). In order to make my weight loss journey the last one I ever have to take, I decided on targeting one pound a week, and I was happy I did, until the PLATEAU!

If I was losing weight super slowly why was I stalled? If my plateau wasn't biological, could it be psychological?

Getting Back on the Horse After a Fall

Something happened the other day. I was riding Annie, my excitable mare. Our training was going so well. Ever since the show we've improved steadily, to the point where I was playing with the idea of jumping again. Just little cross rails, nothing big. Happily cantering around the ring, I was thinking how fabulously she felt, how much like flying! Out of nowhere she bolted out of my hands. I thought I had her when she spooked again and that did it, it was time to bale. Out of the saddle and onto the ground – Bam!

Flat on my back I let others in the ring make sure Annie was OK. I just lay there in the dirt like you’re supposed to, waiting for my breathing to return to something approaching normal. I knew I had hit  the back of my head. I had a good helmet on but you shouldn’t take anything for granted when the fall is hard.

I’ve fallen a lot. Riding requires falling. There is no avoiding it. Annie is sweet but not what you would call bomb-proof. This fall wasn’t my worst, I’d rank it second to the worst. So I lay on the ground, looking up at the sky, assuring my trainer that I could breathe and respond appropriately to her questions. Slowly I moved my hands, arms and legs, everything in working order. Then I rolled over and got up.

Walking around a little, all I could think of was, ‘I’m going to have a headache’ and getting back on. I had to get back on. Why? There wasn’t anything to prove. No one would think less of me if I didn’t.

I’m not sure I know even now. I think it has something to do with not wanting to live with fear. I did not want to be afraid of my horse, afraid that I didn’t have the skills to handle her, of knowing it could happen again. There's a reason why 'getting back on the horse' is a saying for not letting the fear get the best of us.

So I gathered Annie's reins, got back in the saddle (Ouchy! My butt hit the ground, too.) and under the watchful eyes of my trainer we walk-trotted with some degree of grace to end the lesson reasonably intact, body and mind.

Losing Weight By Saying YES!

"It's not what I'm saying NO to, it's what I'm saying YES to by saying NO."

I have permanently lost 17 pounds since last June when I reached a peak of 160 (I'm 5' 3"). Losing that weight could not have happened unless I had a deep cognitive and spiritual change in my attitude toward discipline.

Discipline is defined by my dictionary four ways:

1. training to act in accordance with rules
2. behavior in accord with rules of conduct
3. branch of learning
4. punishment

Three out of four of those definitions make me feel as confined as Cool Hand Luke in 'The Box', especially that last one.

Naturally I convinced myself that dieting was punishment because I couldn't lose weight without the 'discipline' not to eat over a set calorie count. Every time I tried to resist the brownie, the rebellious little kid in me fought back and the tired, punished adult gave in.

In June, I started working with Janice Taylor and she helped me see discipline in a new way. Not just 'see' it, because I had tried the 'Love Yourself Thin' approach before. It just never stuck. Janice helped me dismantle some seriously dysfunctional core beliefs about discipline that were literally weighing me down. Core beliefs like, "You are not good enough, no matter what you do to pretend otherwise." In the process of taking that core belief apart, I learned why, as I tried to do the right thing by not eating the brownie, all I was left with was a hollow, deprived feeling inside.