Explore What's Next

The Allegory of Dumbo's Feather

Remember Dumbo? It was an animated film by the Walt Disney Studios released in 1941. There's some pretty uncomfortable politically incorrect characterizations in it, which may be one reason it's not a popular DVD redux feature.

But that's not my point today. In the spirit of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, let me tell you the heart of the Dumbo story. I think it has a significant take-home message that we could all use.

It's typical Disney: A cuter than cute infant elephant is born to a circus performing Mom. Mom adores her baby despite his fatal flaw – really ugly, gi-huge-ic ears.

Mom dies (tear jerker!) leaving the baby an orphan with no means of support. He is forced to become a clown elephant, poor little guy. A helpful circus mouse (Disney, remember?) points out that if he opened up his giant ears he could fly and thus become a big star. Dumbo, being no dummy, disagrees, until the mouse says he's got a magic feather. If Dumbo would just hold the magic feather in his trunk, open up his wings and jump off the high-dive platform, he would fly.

Desperate to get away from the creepy clowns, Dumbo gives the magic feather a go. He takes a leap of faith.

His big ears hold the air and off he goes flying all over the Big Top, strafing the clowns with popcorn! Dumbo becomes a big star!

Weeks, months go by. Convinced that the magic feather is what keeps him afloat, Dumbo continues to fly. One fine day, flying along at cruising altitude, a strong wind whisks the feather out of his trunk. Horrified, Dumbo drops like a stone. The mouse, hitching a ride in his hat, screams at Dumbo that the feather was a trick, a ruse, a lie! He could fly without the feather!

Could this be true? At the last possible moment, just before he and the mouse would go splat all over the sidewalk, Dumbo opens up his giant ears and soars!

The End

Recently I shared this story with a few clients. They were talking about people, places or things they felt they needed in their lives to function. Without these people, places or things, my clients were convinced they were incompetent, incomplete wrecks. Their Dumbo feather could be a person close to them, a relative, friend, or spouse. The relationship began as friendly and somehow evolved to dependent. The Dumbo feather could be a job that keeps them down or a house with so much sentimental baggage they can't let it go.

What would happen if we let go of our Dumbo feather? That's not to say we need to end the relationship, although in some cases that might be the best thing. Usually it just means daring to make a decision without consulting with so-and-so first or beginning a job search, even exploring starting your own business, while holding onto the one that is needed to pay the bills. Daring to imagine a successful life without clinging to our feather could be one of the bravest things we ever do.

Without our feather we can still fly!

A Message From My Weight Loss Journey

My goal was to prove that I, a 56 year-old woman, could lose weight and maintain a healthy level of fitness without spending a ton of money on a gimmick, pills, pre-packaged food, extreme diets or (shudder!) surgery.

After years of searching, a few months ago, around mid June 2010, I finally found a healthy lifestyle that works for me. Maybe it would work for you, too.

I love the Mediterranean diet. Not a diet, but more like a way of eating that suits my entire family. The Mediterranean diet is full of juicy, colorful fruits and vegetables. I also use Michael Pollan's Food Rules as an eating guide. In this little book is the wisdom of a thousand grandmothers and the findings of laboratories full of scientists. Also, my husband and I meal plan and grocery shop together which helps a ton! 

For food and calorie journalling I use the Lose It! app on my iPod Touch. It's free. I love, love, LOVE that little app! As my daughter would say, I want to marry it, I love this app so much! Lose It (check it out on Facebook) makes counting calories super easy, so easy there is no excuse to cheat, none, and that makes a world of difference.

For exercise I do what I love, whatever feels good on that particular day. My favorites are yoga, run/walking on my treadmill and horseback riding. For you it might be gardening, bike riding, tennis, golf, walking the dog, it doesn't matter. What matters is movement every day. Choose activities you love. It will keep you young.

Finally, I, a psychologist, am learning that my mind can be devious and I need to keep an eye on its tricks that keep me lazy and overweight. To help me with this process I faithfully follow Our Lady of Weight Loss, Janice Taylor, and others who advocate mindful eating and loving yourself thin. I've always been an advocate of using the carrot rather than the stick to influence behavior. It just took a freaking village to get me to apply this loving, creative, divine philosophy to my own weight loss journey.

It is a journey – never ending, forever challenging. And that's a good thing! Now that I'm on this path the weight is coming off and I am in awe.

See more on My Weight Loss Journey page. Your comments are most welcome! 

The Self-Esteem Shout Out

While on vacation next week I will post some of the more popular posts from the archives as well as some of my favorite ones, which is not always the same thing!

During a time when my self-esteem was lower than dirt, my therapist suggested I start a list of things I liked about myself. It sounded so cheesy, like advice I'd find in an Oprah magazine (no offense, Oprah). But he persisted. Write a list of things I liked about myself, put the list on my bedside table and look at it first thing every morning.

The list was very short to start. I liked my hair. That was it. He gave me a few suggestions. Really, he thought I was smart? Yes, he said, put it on the list. So my list grew a bit.

It was a sign of how badly I was feeling that I couldn't come up with much more than platitudes. I was kind. I was honest. Big deal. The breakthrough came when Dr. Greenbaum asked, "What would your friends say about you?" Oh, that was easy! And my list grew some more.

Therese J. Borchard, takes the self-esteem list a step further. On her post on  PsychCentral she suggests starting a Self-Esteem File by shouting out to friends, family, mentors, co-workers, for their input. Instead of imagining what friends would say about you, you actually ask them to write what they think of you in their own words. Very powerful stuff.

This technique of having a written witness of your positive attributes really does work! Before long, instead of dreading the morning, I looked forward to waking up to read my list. It sustained me through the day until I was able to do it on my own. Slowly the attributes weren't what others thought of me, I believed it myself, as if I had swallowed the list, digested it and it became a part of me.

So get over the cheesy factor and give it a try. Your self-esteem will grow bit by bit, day by day. 

While on vacation next week I will post some of the more popular posts from the archives as well as some of my favorite ones, which is not always the same thing!

During a time when my self-esteem was lower than dirt, my therapist suggested I start a list of things I liked about myself. It sounded so cheesy, like advice I'd find in an Oprah magazine (no offense, Oprah). But he persisted. Write a list of things I liked about myself, put the list on my bedside table and look at it first thing every morning.

The list was very short to start. I liked my hair. That was it. He gave me a few suggestions. Really, he thought I was smart? Yes, he said, put it on the list. So my list grew a bit.

It was a sign of how badly I was feeling that I couldn't come up with much more than platitudes. I was kind. I was honest. Big deal. The breakthrough came when Dr. Greenbaum asked, "What would your friends say about you?" Oh, that was easy! And my list grew some more.

Therese J. Borchard, takes the self-esteem list a step further. On her post on  PsychCentral she suggests starting a Self-Esteem File by shouting out to friends, family, mentors, co-workers, for their input. Instead of imagining what friends would say about you, you actually ask them to write what they think of you in their own words. Very powerful stuff.

This technique of having a written witness of your positive attributes really does work! Before long, instead of dreading the morning, I looked forward to waking up to read my list. It sustained me through the day until I was able to do it on my own. Slowly the attributes weren't what others thought of me, I believed it myself, as if I had swallowed the list, digested it and it became a part of me.

So get over the cheesy factor and give it a try. Your self-esteem will grow bit by bit, day by day. 

Help! I have obessive thoughts about my therapist! Or– What is transference?

Recently, I received an email from a reader asking for some help. He knew his cognitive behavioral treatment (CBT) which had gone well for several years, hit a snag. He felt his hidden obsessive thoughts about his therapist were getting in the way of the treatment's progress. He asked me if there were any CBT techniques to help him get past this road block. He said,  "...this obsession really is quite disturbing to me. I feel that it is not fair [to] the therapist who is not seeing me make any progress. Any advice would be more than appreciated."

Here, edited a bit, is my response...

What you describe is not uncommon in many forms of psychotherapy, so please do not think poorly of yourself for it. We call it transference.

Transference in psychotherapy is defined as an unconscious process where the attitudes, feelings, and desires of our early significant relationships get transferred onto the therapist.

As your relationship with your therapist deepens, the situation triggers familiar feelings related to previous connections with others, like to your parents, for example. You begin to experience the therapist, in the present, in much the same way you had experienced a significant person from your past. Sigmund Freud, the great grand-daddy of all therapists, was the first to observe this process.

You do not say what form the obsessive thoughts you have about your therapist take, but regardless of whether they are positive or negative, sexual or parental, taking a look at these thoughts can be an important part of your therapeutic process. In other words, instead of giving you some specific CBT exercises to 'get rid of them' I would strongly (and gently) suggest you talk with your therapist about them directly.

I know... this is very hard; I hope I am not asking too much. From what you write you have a reasonably good working relationship with your therapist. You have worked together for years, only now you are both feeling 'stuck'. It could very well be these transference feelings are blocking your progress, as you suggest. As therapists we are trained to help our clients process transference thoughts and feelings in a way that is helpful to you, for your emotional growth.

Since you ask for a CBT technique I will share one that I often use for clients who are faced with doing something they dread. It's called 'Biking up the Hill'.

Before You Burn Out – CBT for the Therapist: An Interview with Dr. John Ludgate

Do you ever wonder about how your therapist does it? If you are a therapist, do you ever have a day when it takes everything in you not to reach over and slap your patient silly? Or raise a white flag in defeat?

Occasionally people ask me, "How do you listen to peoples' problems all day long without becoming depressed yourself?" The answer is the same for whatever the job is: we need to pay attention to balance. I do my best to balance the hours I dedicate to work, for family time, and for just plain old time off and play.

But to be perfectly honest, there are those days when I find myself severely stressed out. It could be I've over-booked myself too many days in a row, or had a series of challenging sessions or maybe just one person I wonder if I'm really helping.

On those days, before I decide to chuck it all and go work for Mary Kay, I remind myself of what Dr. John Ludgate, of the Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Center of Western North Carolina, wrote. He says turnabout is fair play and invites the therapist to use the CBT techniques they share with their patients on themselves.

Whether we are new to the profession or seasoned, in private practice or in a not-for-profit setting, sometimes the therapist's thinking could use a tune up to help them feel better about their work. That's why I am happy that Dr. Ludgate agreed to be interviewed on this subject, one he describes as being close to his heart:

EWN: Dr. Ludgate, in looking over the material you gave the attendees of your workshop, "Advancing Your CBT Skills", I was pleasantly surprised to see "Common Negative Thoughts" and "Dysfunctional Beliefs" written specifically for therapists. Reading those pages for the first time I thought, "Wow, other therapists have these thoughts?" It was a revelation. When did you start looking into how therapists could use CBT for themselves?

Dr. Ludgate: Probably about 20 years ago when I realized how my own thoughts were getting in the way of doing effective CBT and also causing distress (anxiety, frustration etc). This was confirmed when I started supervising novice CBT practitioners who had these same issues and also as I realized just how little our training equips us for this part of our job!

EWN: Is there something about therapists that makes them particularly vulnerable to critical self-judgment?

Why Making Mistakes Can Be Good For You

Thank God my parents supported the idea that with mistakes comes opportunity. The messier and more public the gaff the more profound and significant the lesson learned. You can imagine how much grief this philosophy saved me as a kid.

Last week, not just one, but two books came out that focus on what it means to make mistakes, “Being Wrong,” by Kathryn Schulz, and “Wrong,” by David H. Freedman. Dwight Garner, of the New York Times, wrote a review of both in To Err is Human – And How! And Why. Garner clearly liked Ms. Schulz's book better. He says:

“Far from being a sign of intellectual inferiority, the capacity to err is crucial to human cognition...

Thinkers have toyed with theories of error since Plato’s time, many of them generally agreeing with Albert Einstein, who said, “If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn’t be called research, would it?”

'Being Wrong' is optimistic. “Error, even though it sometimes feels like despair, is actually much closer in spirit to hope,” Ms. Schulz writes. “We get things wrong because we have an enduring confidence in our own minds; and we face up to that wrongness in the faith that, having learned something, we will get it right next time.”

With compassion and forgiveness we may allow ourselves to be human, make mistakes and learn from them. Then, as the old song advises you can, "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again."

 

Happiness Vs. Pleasure

Today Explore What's Next introduces new contributing writer, Dylan Broggio, LCSW! Dylan is a clinical social worker who loves working with adolescents and adults. We look forward to hearing more from Dylan in the future. I loved her article about the difference between happiness and pleasure. It really got me to think of discipline in a whole new light. Please let us know what you think in the comments!

In revisiting a favorite book of mine, “The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living” with the Dalai Lama, I am rediscovering  a theme that is interwoven in so many aspects of our lives… the idea of pleasure versus happiness.

The Dalai Lama says our main purpose in life is to seek happiness.  Though pleasure and happiness are clearly separate, it appears we can get these two confused from time to time. The idea of pleasure in our lives is fairly easy to conjure up;  the embrace of a loved one, a sunny Saturday afternoon, a beach vacation, a bowl of ice cream, the thrill of buying a new car or house, sex, getting a promotion!  The idea of happiness in our lives… a little more complicated... Love, affection, closeness, compassion, and gratitude.

Pleasure comes from external stimuli, things outside of us, that are short lived. The Dalai Lama states, “Happiness that depends mainly on physical pleasure is unstable, one day it’s there, the next day it may not be”.  Whereas true happiness comes from an internal source, and it remains constant despite the ups and downs of daily life.

Most of us do not always choose what is “good” for us- that is, what leads us toward happiness. Instead we decide to indulge in those short lived pleasures of life, expecting long term happiness.

There’s nothing wrong with pleasure, but sometimes those pleasures can get a bit out of control and become destructive; that 3^rd piece of cake I had today definitely qualifies, choosing to lay on the couch rather than get daily exercise, thinking a bigger house will make us happier.  Sometimes they become full blown addictions to sex, alcohol, drugs, or gambling. The difficulty (for me anyway) is struggling to choose to move toward happiness – not just immediate rush of pleasure.  The conflict is when the relationship between pleasure and happiness becomes out of balance. When we think our pursuit of pleasure will give us happiness… really, we’re fooling ourselves.

Dare to Let Your Light Shine Brightly

It's funny how we trip over the same bits of wisdom over and over again. It's like the Universe knows we're a bit slow on the uptake so it keeps bopping us on the head just in case we missed it the first or second time around.

That's how I felt the other day when I was channel surfing, putting off doing laundry, and ran across the movie Akeelah and the Bee, (2006). Eleven year old Akeelah was being tutored for a spelling bee by Dr. Larabee. He had a quote mounted on a plaque in his office. Akeelah read it out loud:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

~Marianne Williamson

Dr. Larabee: Does that mean anything to you?

Akeelah: I don't know.

Dr. Larabee: It's written in plain English. What does it mean?

Akeelah: That I'm not supposed to be afraid?

Dr. Larabee: Afraid of what?

Akeelah: Afraid of... me?

We are taught to be afraid of ourselves, afraid of our own brilliance, by people who love us, who had the best of intentions. The world is a dangerous place. Life is hard. Don't expect anything and you won't be disappointed. If you expect the worst you are prepared for the worst.

Sadly, the result of all this fear inoculation isn't toughness, it's just more fear. Where is the hope in this? It's hard to see.

That's why I love Marianne Williamson's quote. She just rips that blind fold right off. It's a good lesson to learn over and over again, as many times as it takes to sink in, to undo the archaic lesson of fear. Let's not hide our light under a blanket. Let's throw off the constraint of low expectations put on us by others. Let's dare to be as great as we know in our hearts we can be, as we are.

If we give ourselves a moment to listen, we will finally learn the truth in this.

The divine spirit within us tells us so.

Photo courtesy of Ken Schwarz via Flickr

A Mindful Start to the Week

A lot of people take a few days after a holiday off from work. Whether your holiday is  Easter or Passover, many schools and colleges are on break, the weather is warming up and spirits tend to be brighter, more hopeful.

To encourage this good feeling I went online to check in on one of my favorite blogs, Mindfulness and Psychotherapy by Elisha Goldstein, PhD. A licensed psychologist, Dr. Goldstein integrates traditional psychotherapy with progressive mindfulness practice to help people find mental and emotional healing. I like this approach and have found it a logical enhancement of cognitive and dialectical behavioral therapy.

Today I found this post. The quotes are great because they distill the essence of what I try to teach people to slow down their negative thinking, to detach from it enough to reframe the problem or respond to the negativity in a more reasonable manner. In addition, Dr. Goldstein suggests a mindful way to get the most out of each quote. Try it out. Here is an excerpt from Dr. Goldstein's article:

Now, we’re not just going to glance over these quotes, I’m going to suggest that you take at least 30 seconds with each quote doing the following 5-step mindfulness practice.

1. Get centered — Take a moment to just notice your body here, noticing any tension and seeing if you can choose to let that tension go. Become aware that you’re breathing.
2. Read the quote twice – Reading it twice allows it to settle in a bit more.
3. Allow the words to simmer — Close your eyes and see if you can let the words roll around and notice what arises for you physically, emotionally and mentally. In other words, let these words percolate in your mind and body. Do any thoughts, memories, or associations arise? Is there a tension or loosening in the body? Do emotions of fear, joy, or calm arise? Whatever arises this is grist for the mill.
4. Bring your mind back if it wanders — You may notice the mind going off into thoughts of what you need to be doing or judgments such as “how is this going to be helpful to me?” Just note where it wandered to and gently guide it back. As Larry Rosenberg says in his book Breath by Breath, repeat this step several billion times.
5. Come back to the breath – Thank yourself for taking this time-out of your daily busy-ness to engage with this mindful inquiry for your health and well-being.

Even if you only get through one quote, you can come back at later times to work with the others.

Here we go.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”  ~ Victor Frankl

To read the entire article click here.

A Healthy Mind in a Healthy Body

It's been a LONG time since I've written about my weight struggle. That's because there hasn't been much of a fight to report. For a while there I surrendered to my impulses for whatever I craved. Plus I wasn't getting up early to exercise (and if exercise doesn't happen in the morning, forget it). The result? No surprise. The skinny jeans are back on the shelf and I reach for stuff with elastic waists. You have no idea how hard it is to admit that.

It would be easy to blame the dark mid-winter, lack of Vitamin D, stress at work or family demands. But really, there are no excuses. I eat as a reward and as a punishment. I know what I need to do but I sabotage my efforts gladly for the rush of immediate gratification. That's the life of a food addict.

My path to this place was part Nature: While everyone else in my family got the skinny genes (no pun intended, haha), my grandmother's pudginess skipped a generation and landed squarely on my belly.

And part Nurture: It didn't help that my stick thin Mom constantly asked me if I wanted her "help" to lose weight. "Are you going to eat that?" is a refrain that haunts me like the Jaws theme does an ocean swimmer.

But frankly today it doesn't wash because I am A GROWN-UP! A grown up who needs constant reminding that I have the responsibility to make good choices. I eschew (love that word. Notice it has 'chew' in it) I es-CHEW diets. Been there, done that a million times a la Oprah. The high of initial success is inevitably followed by the depression of defeat. Sorry but my self-esteem just says no!

It was my son who got me back on track again. He asked me (yes, I have a teenager who actually wants to know what I think! It's a miracle!) what ideas I had to help him study for the SATs. Without thinking I told him to start exercising regularly. I recited all the brain benefits of exercise (scientifically proven, thank you very much) and how years ago, I ran three miles a day while I was studying for my licensing boards. It helped so much. He said thanks and immediately started running as soon as he got home from school.

Well, gee whiz. As a mom, how do you think I felt giving out advice I wasn't following myself? Answer: Like a bit of a jerk.